Ringing the Otter

Finally ...

2008-06-14T08:29:00.002-05:00

The previously-alluded-to arthbard.com is now in a state of "up and running."

This includes the NEW BLOG, which has all of the same posts as the old blog, but on a new server and with regrettably fewer otters. Though, I wouldn't be surprised if that otter eventually turns up in some form beyond the crude graphic you see here. (Though, I should say I probably also wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.)

Anyway, arthbard.com/blog. That's where the blog is. arthbard.com/blog. Go there!

Hmm ... May 14 - May 30 ...

2008-05-30T18:17:00.002-05:00

Don't complain. I've gone missing for longer.

Hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to write about when life is less busy, but, in the meantime, here are some stupid announcements.

First of all, there now exists an arthbard.com. There's nothing there for the moment, and I'm not exactly sure what I intend to do with it, anyway, but I expect this blog will end up there sooner or later. If you want to visit, though, you can click a link to come right back to this very page!

You might also notice a link to a CafePress shop. This is because, yes, I have a CafePress Shop. Actually, it's been there for a while, but it seemed a little crass to pop back in after several months of absence shouting, "Hey, give me money!"

Now that I've been around long enough for a handful of posts over a couple of months and don't have anything else to post about ... Hey! Give me money!

Well, okay, no need to give me money. You don't have to buy shit on my account, but it's there if anybody cares to look around.

I've got a couple more things I'm working on--things that aren't likely to require anyone to buy a t-shirt--but ... Well, I don't know how long it's going to be before any of that's ready for show, so I'll save that for a future announcement.

Bald

2008-05-14T18:40:00.002-05:00

My hair's days are numbered. I can feel it in my gut ... But, that's probably just gas ...

Anyway, the prophesizing abilities of my intestines aside, I've always been blessed with an abundance of hair. Or, overabundance, as some might say. Escaped convicts could hide out for weeks in the patch of hair between my shoulder blades before anyone ever found them. Ever see Sean Connery in the old James Bond movies? Well, he's got nothin' on me. My chest hairs could eat his for breakfast ... Or at least they could if they were anthropomorphic cannibal chest hairs, but that's another story.

The point is the hair on my head. There's always been plenty up there. However, I've noticed things starting to thin out a bit in more recent years. It seems to me that I can see more flesh up there than I used to. I never actually noticed my hairline receding, however, until, oh, maybe a year or so back. I happened to be doing a bit of shopping on a day that happened to be fairly windy, and a bit rainy to boot. Walking through the parking lot, the wind blew my hair about--as tends to happen, you know. But when I was in the store and caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, I realized that the wind had not only blown my hair back, but the rain had plastered it against my scalp, revealing a bare patch of skin I never even knew was there. When I comb my hair back, it tends to flop over to the sides, so to speak, obscuring the particular quadrants of my head that, I suddenly realized, were starting to show a bit of a widow's peak.

"Good gravy!" I thought to myself. "When the fuck did that happen!"

It doesn't really come as a surprise--except, perhaps, for the suddenness of that particular revelation--because my dad happens to be bald. Quite extraordinarily bald, actually.

Oh, I know the old story about baldness being inherited from your mother's side of the family (the men on my mother's side of the family, incidentally enough, seem to hang on to their hair without much issue), but that's bullshit, pure and simple. Really. They tell you to predict your own hair loss based on whether your mother's father was bald, but answer this: If the bald gene is, indeed, passed on through a purely maternal lineage, then what the fuck is your mom inheriting it from her father for? Riddle me that, Batman.

I declare that myth officially busted.

There are, of course, several different ways of dealing with hair loss. And, if you hadn't figured it out already, I currently feel like making fun of several of them.

Let's start off with an old classic: The hairpiece a.k.a. the toupee. Yes, this one's pure comedy gold. So much so, actually, that there's very little to say about it that hasn't already been poked fun of into the dirty and nasty but not-quite-so-fun ground already. Yeah, it's fake hair you put on your head! Yeah, the color probably doesn't even match! Yeah, no one's going to notice when your hairline comes back overnight! In fact, the hairpiece has become such an obvious target for humor that I put to you that no man alive could actually wear one unless his intentions were genuinely to get a laugh. So, the next time your uncle's fake hair flies off of his head during a windstorm, don't feel bad for him. No way! These are the moments he lives for! He's clearly relishing each and every rug joke, smug in the knowledge that, even lacking a sense of wit, he's still the funniest man in the room.

The combover is another good one. It's basically the exact same thing as a hairpiece, only way cheaper. The thing I like about the combover is that, not only does it completely fail to hide the fact that you're completely fucking bald, it also leaves you with a hairstyle that makes you look like a goddamned tard (not that I have anything against tards, mind you, be they goddamned or otherwise). Face the facts: even if that little tuft of hair did somehow manage to magically cover up that huge, empty spot on your cranium, you'd still be left with the lamest hairstyle on the face of the planet. The difference is that baldness is inherited. Your haircut is a choice. A bare scalp just means you have lazy genes--this is, at worst, unfortunate--but a combover means you actually knowingly and willingly made the decision to look like a total dork, you total dork.

And, you're still bald.

Of course, of all the ways to hide baldness, I think my dad's may be one of the most practical and efficient: he wears a hat. Or, okay, a cap. The result is the same, but hat is a funnier word, so, if you happen to demand a high degree of specificty in your headgear references, you can just fuck right the fuck off. My dad wears a hat. As long as he's wearing that hat, which is most of the time, he could have any untold amount of hair-producing follicles underneath. I mean, shit, I didn't even realize my dad was bald until I was 24.* Not only that, but you can wear a different hat every day, whereas, if you tried that shit with a toupee, it'd probably tend to tip people off.

... But, since you're probably not fooling anybody, anyway, knock yourself out.

I think my favorite way to cope with baldness, though, is to go ahead and shave off all of your hair, as if you were going to do that anyway. You still end up bald, but now you're bald on purpose. You've taken the initiative and done what nature was going to do anyway, albeit with less chance of being confused for "hip" or "edgy." This way, you tell people, "Yeah, I got tired of all that hair. Didn't care for it, so I shaved it off." And, when someone points out that no hair seems to be growing back at the front of your head, you just say, "Yeah? Good. I'm glad it's gone. I hate hair. That's why I shaved it, you know. If I had it back, I'd shave it off again. Man, fuck hair, and fuck the people that have it."

So, what's my plan? Well, granted, nothing's final or anything, but I very much expect my course of action will be this: nothing. Yeah, I mean, sure, my hair's all, like, sexy and everything, but, if it goes, it goes. Currently, my hair happens to be pretty long. This isn't so much of a stylistic decision as it is a side effect of the fact that it's easier to let it grow than to get it cut. I think I've had a grand total of two haircuts in the past eight years, and one of them I did myself. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll end up being the creepy, old, bald guy with a ponytail. Though, I don't generally wear ponytails, so I'll probably just be the bald guy with long hair.

So, the next time you watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, just take a long, hard look at Riff Raff ... Because you're probably looking directly into my future!

Well ... My future will probably have fewer transvestites in it ... But, I refuse to make any promises.

*This is a lie.

Digital Image Manipulation

2008-05-01T17:52:00.003-05:00

Moral of the story: Never trust an underwear model's figure.

Arthbard's Cookin' Center

2008-04-20T19:01:00.001-05:00

Serious, for once

2008-04-18T17:45:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, the wife of one of my cousins went into labor early, at 19 weeks. It brings forth a bit of deja vu, because the same thing happened to my sister a few months ago. Well, nearly the same except that my sister's story had a happier ending. My cousin's wife, unfortunately, lost both of the twins she had been carrying. At that stage of development, survival just wasn't possible.

I only saw one of the bodies. I didn't arrive at the hospital until shortly before the second twin had been delivered. When my sister gave birth, the hospital had been fairly strict about limiting visitors to the preemie ward, so I didn't actually get to see my niece in person until she was much more developed. So, seeing a baby that small up close was fairly surreal.

What was almost more surreal was when a nurse came in with a disposable camera to find out whether the parents wanted pictures of the twins. It struck me as sort of perversely morbid for a nurse to offer to set up your dead babies for a photo shoot in order that their lifeless bodies might ... find a place in the family album, I guess? I don't know ... But maybe that's just me.

But, anyway ... You know, sympathies to everyone.

Of course, after my niece was born, I had planned to come back to the blog (this was during my absence from blogland, of course) to write a post about the experience. But then I ended up putting it off until I realized that several more months had gone by and writing a post about where I was for one week in October seemed a little silly. Though, I still might write something up, since this experience has brought it back to memory, somewhat. Well, we'll see.

Outtakes and Phart Filosophy

2008-04-12T20:02:00.008-05:00

Because, you know, it's cool to misspell wordz, yo.

Anyway, here's a spoiler warning. If you're reading this and haven't watched Act Harder, I'm probably about to give away some of the jokes, so take that under advisement.

But, seriously, the ironic thing about my last cartoon is that I don't even like fart jokes. I mean, sure, they were funny when I was eight, and all, but ... eh ...

My aversion to this sort of humor doesn't really have anything to do with the offensive nature or anything. I mean, Lord knows (if there is one), I'm perfectly willing to supply offensive humor if I think it's funny. No, I think the thing with fart jokes is just that they're so goddamned (if there is a god to damn) lazy. I suppose it's hard to do anything genuinely clever with the sound a butt makes. Most of the time the director or comedian or God (if he exists and is into that sort of thing) just throws in a fart noise, and people are more or less just expected to laugh. Often, there's not even a joke of any kind to go along with the fart, and, when there is, it's usually a pretty lame one. The comedic philosophy of just throwing out body noises is, all in all, a pretty boring one.

Still, I guess that doesn't necessarily mean that poot humor can't be funny. It just usually isn't. And, I've even become so annoyed with bad fart jokes that even when the fart is part of something that I know theoretically should be funny or clever, it still just rubs me the wrong way, somehow.

So, then, with that said, why in the hell did I expend the time and energy creating a cartoon consisting, basically, of eight minutes of farting?

Well, it just made me laugh.

I didn't really try to analyze why it made me laugh, at the time. I just knew it struck me as funny.

Now, as a comedian, it generally looks a little lame to stand on stage laughing your ass off at your own material. The audience will decide for themselves if it's funny. They don't need you to tell them. Anyway, when you're working with your own ideas, you're generally pretty close to the joke, so, even if you've come up with something insanely hilarious, one doesn't tend to react to it the same way as one would if one had heard the same joke from a third party.

With that, said, I do, on occasion, laugh at my own jokes. It's a much rarer occasion, however, that I completely crack myself the fuck up.

The cartoon, Act Harder (which doesn't really have much to do with its own title, but I had to call it something), was, in a roundabout way, almost directly inspired by both Terry Gilliam and the Looney Tunes. Okay, mostly Gilliam, but it was a Looney Tunes cartoon with a hen and a rooster acting out a romantic scene that actually reminded me of an animated bit Gilliam had done for the greatest television show ever. Specifically, it featured a man and woman engaging in a particularly sappy romantic scene in which (after exchanging several "oh, darlings" and such) the woman eventually declared that she could just go crazy for the man in question, to which the man in question replies, "Oh, do. Do!"

She then puts on a pair of silly glasses and makes goofy noises.

Anyway, this repeats more or less exactly (in front of different backdrops) a couple of times before being interrupted and taking the episode to the next sketch. Since I couldn't initially remember exactly how the piece went, my brain started filling in the gaps with its own material, leaving me with a vision of two actors, whose scene is repeatedly interrupted by something extremely silly.

It seemed vaguely funny, I think, because the fart, itself, wasn't really the joke. The humor, (aside from constant silly interruptions, as I've already mentioned) mainly came from the director, as he attempted to be polite and tactful, trying very hard not to let on that he can even hear this insane woman's farts, which are continually blowing takes.

But, I think the point at which I realized I really had something funny is when I had the idea that this woman would actually argue with the director that the farting was right for her character. Again, the fart, itself, isn't really the joke.

But, of course, the point at which I started breaking into spontaneous uncontrollable laughter is when I decided to just go all out and over-the-top with the ending. Honestly, for several days before I even sat down to write the sketch out, I would see these mental visions of trees blowing in the wind and an actor closing his eyes against the force of the wind, his hair blowing wildly (unfortunately, I wasn't able to get the hair animated as well as I would have liked, but ah, well), while he yells at the top of his lungs to be heard over the roar of the lady's anus. Anyway, I'd see these images in my mind and just lose it (luckily, not in public or else I would have had some explaining to do).

So, I saw it in these three distinct sections, possibly the world's only three-act fart joke (okay, probably not, but just let me pretend to hold that distinction). It wasn't until I'd actually uploaded the thing that it even occured to me that it was eight-fucking-minutes long. I might have trimmed it a little if I had thought of it, but the running time actually adds on that one, little, extra layer of excess that gives me a certain perverse satisfaction.

Anyway, if all of this has been extremely boring, I apologize. That's probably why writers don't like to talk about where they get their ideas.

Of course, given that I was making a cartoon about actors blowing takes, it was probably only appropriate that I blow a couple, myself. Here's a little clip of audio outtakes that'll maybe give you a just small hint at how much I laughed at my own, stupid, little idea.

Public Domain Farts

2008-04-11T17:36:00.003-05:00

Y'know, sometimes I just really want to give something back to the world that's given me so much ... So much, like ... Well, give me a minute, I'll think of something ...

Like ...

...

Umm ...

...

Well, I'll just keep typing, in the meantime.

Anyway, I wanted to give something back. The whole Creative Commons movement, for example, is really inspirational. Just, you know, the idea not just of giving something away for free on the internet (which we're pretty much all doing, anyway), but actually supplying it under an open license allowing reuse in things like silly cartoons and...

Oh, I know, peppermint patties. Those are pretty good, right? So, I just wanted to give something back to the world that gave me York Peppermint Patties. What do I want to give back?

A Whole Bunch of Farts
That's right. These farts were lovingly hand-crafted by only the finest ... Okay, so I just made a bunch of fart noises into a microphone.

I did these, of course, for my last cartoon, but it would seem awfully selfish to just hoard these farts away for my own damn self, so I'm offering them up here in a zip file, organized according to the method of fart production. As far as I'm concerned, these farts hereby enter into the public domain, which means--yes, that's right--they now belong to you, the public. So, don't say I never gave you anything.

So, whether you're making your own stupid cartoons and are too lazy to make your own fart noises, looking to get into trouble at school and are too lazy to make your own fart noises, or just like listening to farts and are too lazy to make your own fart noises, you now have a whole bunch of fart noises to use as you will, no strings attached.

Yay, for sharing!

Act Harder

2008-04-05T17:45:00.003-05:00

For the record, Arthbard isn't dead. And, hey, wouldn't ya' know it, I just uploaded a new cartoon to YouTube. If anybody out there still cares, here it is.

This cartoon is basically my tribute to Terry Gilliam and, very possibly, the most immature thing I've ever done.

Ever.

Including the time I shit my pants.

Special Features

2007-07-21T00:08:00.001-05:00

So I've got some extra bits, leftover from the last animation, which might conceivably be interesting to fans DVD bonus shit, so here goes.

So, this is the first time I've used outside voice actors. SafeTinspector volunteered his vocal chords for the part of the alien and his little girl Sam for, appropriately enough, the little girl. Before he did, though, I'd already done a little bit of work on the scenes in question. So, feel free to click the following link if you want to see an unfinished version of what the alien could have ended up sounding like.

SafeT also added a bit to the script, including most of what the alien actually says--my initial version contained none of the pitiful earthling stuff--though I have to take full responsibility for misspelling the word "possess." Didn't know possess was misspelled? Never mind. Forget I brought it up.

You can also keep an eye open for "Additinal Artwork" in the credits.

Yeah. Proofreading is for dorks.

But, anyway, SafeT gave me a bunch of different options for the alien, which were pretty much all funny, but I could only use one, so here's the rest, in no particular order:

Oop
Morbo
Fairies
Double Groan

SafeT also did a version of the creep with the reverse Oedipus Complex. His take on the character was a little different than what I went for with mine, but I liked it, so I thought it was worth sharing. And, here's his version of the post-credit gag.

Also, there was a whole different cut of the cartoon I did for an animation contest. The rules stipulated a 30-60 second runtime, so I had a lot of cutting out to do. I cut corners everywhere I could. The long version is better, I think, but if you're interested in hearing my version of the little girl lines, they're in here. I prefer Sam's version, myself, but I did my best, for what it's worth.

Also, due to popular request (of one person), a completely unrelated zombie picture:

What would you do for an Iceberg Bar?

2007-07-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Update-a-Loola

2007-07-12T23:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've been pretty much absent, recently. I am currently working on my next animation. It's been in the final stages of what I'd call nearly there for a while, but I've been dealing with various time constraints, so progress has been slow.

It's almost there, though ... Almost ... Sooo close I can almost double-click it.

So, expect it shortly, I guess ... Hooopefully, this weekend sometime, but I make no promises.

In the meantime, here's a totally unrelated picture of zombies:

The Hardest Things to do are the Ones No One will Notice - a.k.a. All that Hard Work for Nothing!

2007-06-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me at some point that much of the hardest stuff to do with animating is generally in the things everyone takes for granted, anyway. Granted, on some level everything gets taken for granted, at least by the casual viewer. Most people, for example, watching an old Chuck Jones cartoon probably don't tend to think very much about the character designs or the performances. A roomful of people drawing 12 frames per second never comes to mind. You just see the coyote and the roadrunner and accept them as characters that live in a world of cel-painted artwork. Viewers don't necessarily notice the subtle precision in the timing. They just laugh when the coyote falls off the cliff. The coyote doesn't just fall off the cliff, though. No. Watch closer, next time. You've got that moment of ignorance as the coyote chases the roadrunner with complete enthusiasm, not yet even realizing that he's run off the edge of a cliff. There's the gradual dawning that something's wrong, the coyote's slow realization of the reality of the situation, and then the moment of dread in anticipation of the pain to come. Then, and only then, does the coyote fall down and hurt himself.

Beautiful stuff, really.

But the discerning fan, at least, does have some amount of appreciation of the fundamental intricacies and details, but I'm going to stand by the statement that the hardest things no one will notice.

When I made Arthbard's Science Center, for example, essentially the first thing that happens is that my animated self falls from the sky, at which point my animated hair swings about in accordance with Newtons laws of animated motion. It's a nice enough effect, and if you're a noticer of the details you might pick up on it. It wasn't actually that hard to achieve, though. The software I'm using let me rig the hair layer up to react dynamically to motion. It was a pretty simple process and not particularly tricky to figure out. And, beyond that, I was more or less able to move my character around and just let that hair worry about itself. What's much harder to do with computer software, though, is to turn two-dimensional artwork as if in three-dimensions. Say you draw a picture of a head, for example. You can move that head up and down and side to side, and you can even adjust the size of the head to simulate forward and back motion. No problem. But, if you want to make that head turn to the left, you've got your work cut out for you. Okay, let me rephrase that. You can, of course, draw a head looking to the left and just switch between the two. This is perfectly fine if you're working with a basic sort of style where a face can just jump suddenly from looking forward in one frame to looking left in the next. The hard part comes if you want this transition to happen smoothly. Which is why I haven't really attempted it, yet.

But, if you watch Arthbard's Science Center you may notice that as my animated self's animated hair is swinging around all willy-nilly, I raise my animated hand and wave at the camera. It's a small thing and goes by pretty quickly, but unlike the swinging hair, I didn't immediately know how I was going to pull it off. The trick of it, if you don't know why this would be tricky, is that with your arm at your side, the back of your hand (more or less) faces forward. But raise your hand in the air and see what happens. Unless you're going out of your way to prove me wrong, you're generally going to find your palm facing forward, which, anyway, is generally how you'd wave at a camera. To take a finger and move it or bend it isn't much of an ordeal, but to shift all the fingers from one side of the hand to the other took some thought. To accomplish the desired effect, the whole hand shape has to completely flip on itself without looking like a paper cutout. Ultimately, what I decided to do was to only shift the hand halfway there. Imagine two hand shapes, for example. Essentially one is just the mirror image of the other, but if you try to go directly from one to the other, you end up with something that looks more like a Parappa the Rapper video game. So ... I animated each hand shape halfway there--i.e. to the point at which the hand is essentially directly on its side--and then switched from one to the other on a single frame.

What else is hard? How about picking up the box to shake it at the end. Anytime a character has to interact directly with another onscreen object, the complexity level rises. Or what about the carnival in Stickman and Cindy, which was hands-down the hardest part of that short. In the last post, I alluded to the technical issue of using a transparent shape and trying to block out the shape behind it. Well, there was a lot of that to be done for the carnival. And on top of that, there was the roller-coaster, which took more work than any other single thing in the film. The problem was of how to move the cars in one continuous motion over the hills without them coming out of contact with the track. There wasn't even really any elegant solution, just the brute force of continually adjusting and readjusting each frame until the whole thing moved relatively smoothly. In fact, if you pay attention, you can still see some of the cars jump around a little more than I would have hoped for, but hey ... We can always just assume it was an old roller-coaster and tad rickety.

But, anyway, this is the kind of stuff you don't even really think about until you have to actually try to figure out a way to do it.

You know who I've really gained a newfound respect for, though? Sound guys. I don't even really mean the effects guys. I mean on a certain level, you might be able to appreciate that Ben Burtt came up with some cool spaceship sounds for Star Wars, but the people you're less likely to think about are the Foley artists. The people who record the footsteps and background noises. We take sound, especially those types of sounds, for granted. We don't notice them unless they aren't there, but on-set microphones generally don't pick up much of those elements and, of course, for animation there isn't really any set to put the microphones on in the first place. So, all of those sounds have to be created later on. Every time you hear a footstep in a movie, you're hearing a Foley artist walking in place on a soundstage, timing their footsteps to the characters onscreen. When someone gets hit, a Foley man is there with a punching bag. When horses are trotting, a Foley man is there with two hollowed-out coconut halves. Whenever characters kiss, a Foley man is there making out with the back of his hand.

It's not always easy to figure out how to create the appropriate sound effects and there are a lot of tricks-of-the-trade that get passed down through the industry. Me, I'm basically trying to figure out how to do it as I go along using things I happen to have around the house. The aforementioned roller-coaster, for example: ball bearings rolling around in a tin lid. The chicken pecking in Arthbard's Science Center: me tapping my fingernail on a piece of Tupperware. For the impacts, as in when one thing has to hit another thing, I tried knocking a number of things against other things (naturally the exact sound you want is dependent on what's meant to be making the sound in your film), but the bulk of them came from hitting two pillows together as hard I could, which gave a nice dull sort of thud, as opposed to, say, slapping your hands together which is a little bright and meaty sounding. Which may be fine if you have someone slapping their hands together, but probably isn't much use otherwise.

My favorite, so far, though, comes in the cavemen scene from Science Center. When the caveman fantasizes about cutting down a tree. I didn't actually have a tree to cut down at the time, so I had to experiment a little. The final sound effect is a combination of a couple of different things, but the primary ingredient, interestingly enough, was potato chips. I crunched up a bunch of potato chips in my hands to get the crackling sound. It was nice, also, because I got to recycle it in the very next scenario, as the caveman fantasizes about fire. A bit of processing and that potato chip crackle turned right into a passable enough fire crackle.

So, there ya' go. Moral of the story: animation is tricky and potato chips are useful.

Stickpeople - They're Easier to Draw than Regular People

2007-05-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

Just so you know, another animation should be on the way ... Eventually. I haven't particularly gotten much done, so it'll probably be a ways off, yet.

In the meantime, I thought I might do a bit more behind-the-scenes type stuff. As it stands, I work in a fairly disorderly fashion. As yet, I've not even bothered to do storyboards (so sharing them on a blog is out of the question), preferring just to wing it and make everything up as I go along.

Okay, so naturally, some amount of planning has to go into this stuff, but I generally have a pretty good idea of what I'm looking for in my head, so if I were to actually take the time to draw it all out in advance, I'm not especially sure whose benefit it would be for. Where dialogue is involved, I have to mentally time everything out somewhat carefully as I put the audio together in order make sure that it matches up with the actions I'm planning in a somewhat suitable fashion, but the planning is still all in my head.

So, I was trying to think what I might have I could share, here, and I happened to think that, hey, what with Stickman and Cindy having used hand-drawn artwork, and all, I've still got those original drawings on my computer, which might be of vague interest to someone.

So, here we go. Right there on the, er, right, you can see the original drawings of both Stickman and Cindy. Notice they are faceless. The facial features were to be composited on later. That's them on the lower-left hand corner of the page, actually. Lots of different mouth and eye shapes I could switch between as needed.

You might also notice Cindy's boobs floating on the right side of the page, mysteriously unattached to her body. It was simpler that way. Since Anime Studio warps the images to get the movement done, it would have been a pain to keep them from shifting and stretching along with the arm movements had they actually been a part of the same structure, so to speak. Same with the hair. Though it's obviously drawn right on her head, here, I ultimately separated it via GIMP to ease the animation process.

Over to the left you see the art for the Stickman permutation I called Buffman. 'Cuz he's buff, you see. Again, you'll see everything done in separate shapes. Moreso than in the previous illustration, because the art, here, has somewhat more detail. The straight line, there was intended to be copied and reused for each of Buffman's limbs. If I'm not mistaken, though, I believe I decided not to use that particular line (fascinating stuff, I know) and opted instead to copy an arm or something off the Stickman model. I don't actually remember why ...

... Seems kind of silly, but there ya' go.

On a side note, Buffman wasn't initially conceived as retaining his stick arms and legs. Those would have been bulked up along with the rest of his body. However, this would have complicated it a little more than I felt like doing at the time. Mostly because I needed the shapes of the arms, legs, pants, and whatnot to be transparent (you still had to be able to see the paper through them), but I didn't want to be able to still see, say, the lines of the body if the arm was in front of them. So, I just used stick arms and legs to make everything simpler. I actually could have achieved the appropriate effect with masking layers (which I eventually had to do a lot of with the carnival, anyway), but I was really figuring this stuff out as I went along. Ultimately, though, I think it's actually funnier to have the strongman body with puny stick arms, anyway, so I don't regret the decision. Sometimes the act of trying to find a way to work around a problem can actually make things a lot better than if you'd just been able to do what it was you wanted to do in the first place. Just ask the Python guys about the lack of horses in Holy Grail.

Behold the Flasher. Or at least his trenchcoat. I used the same head and legs I used with the Buffman model (but with the added eyes and mouth you see in the corner of the second image). The interesting thing, here, though, is the multiple drawings. I didn't know a good way to do the flash with scanned-in images short of just doing it the old-fashioned way, frame-by-frame. You might notice the frames, here, are slightly out-of-order. This is because they were drawn on two sheets of paper. After drawing the coat closed, I placed a second sheet of paper on top of it, so I could use the first picture as a traceable guide in drawing the second. Then, I put the first piece of paper back on top of the second to trace that image for the third, and so on.

There's also a couple of mistakes in the drawings on the first page, namely an extra line at the elbow and a lack of shading in the armhole. These glitches were remedied with the GIMP prior to animation.

... And ... In case you wondered what Stickman was wearing underneath that carnival (I know how your mind works, you pervert, you) ...

NOTHING!

Caveman Theater: The Language Barrier

2007-05-18T17:29:00.000-05:00

Dualing Announcements

2007-05-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

I guess I pretty much announced the last couple of cartoons a fair amount in advance, but cartoon 3 is more or less ready to go. So, if you don't see it posted in the next day or two, it means I'm very lazy and you have permission to kick me.

It was literally thrown together over the weekend, though, so don't expect Fantasia. It's just a sort of short bit featuring the caveman from that one part in the last cartoon.

I really liked that caveman. He was my very favorite thing in the whole of Science Center.

Announcement number 2:

MC of Culture Kills ... Wait I Mean Cutlery gives out a weekly "Pageant of the Transmundane" award to whatever happens to tickle his fancy or scar him for life in any given seven day period. Stickman and Cindy won one a while back. Anyways, he's just given out some end-of-the-year awards ... That is ... It's not the end of the year, but I mean, if it was ... Like ... It's an annual ... Best of the previous ...

Fuck it, I won something. I'm happy.

Arthbard's Science Center

2007-05-04T18:42:00.000-05:00

After some amount of delay ...

This was partially inspired by this here post on L>T's blog.

In the Year 2000 ...

2007-04-16T20:02:00.000-05:00

Yes, seven years ago, way back when Al Gore was running against George W. Bush for the presidency and the (then) newly-created TV show Survivor seemed to be all anyone could talk about, I doodled the following cartoon in a notebook:

The artwork's a little sloppy (as a lot of my art tends to be), but eh. I thought it was kind of funny at the time. The original line was intended to be something more along the lines of "Who do you think should win Survivor" or somesuch, but since the season had ended by the time I drew this, I changed the line to the one you see above. (If you can't read the text at the current resolution, click the pic for a larger version. If you still can't read it, then my shitty handwriting's to blame, and that I can't help you with.)

But anyway ... Today (via Slumbering Lungfish) I found this :

Sen. Clinton Asked About Sanjaya Malakar

I swear ... I'm gonna fucking sue for plagiarism.

More on Animation

2007-04-13T15:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, when I came back to Blogger after a multi-month absence, I really wasn't expecting to immediately follow that hiatus with yet another hiatus, but here we are, and to call my presence sporadic would be putting it nicely. You see, sometimes a guy has so many hobbies that some of them inevitably get shafted for time as his attention focuses on other areas. So, sorry for the shafting, blog.

Of course, I haven't given up on the aforementioned animation. No, I'm still working on that, though it's slowed down at times as my attention points itself at various other areas ... Like that shiny rock over there ...

... Ooh ... Sooo ... Shiny ...

Eh ... Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

The cartoon is still coming. To prove it, here's a picture of two chicks!

Pretty hot, yes?

Okay, so here's some behind-the-scenes shit for anybody who cares to read about a dude making silly cartoons on his computer.

This one's a good deal different than Stickman and Cindy. Obviously in terms of art direction, but also because it's largely dialogue-based, whereas Stickman was essentially a silent film with sound effects. That's right. This one's a talkie. So you'll all get a chance to hear my crappy voice-acting! Hoorah!

I did want to talk a bit about the art, itself, though. With very few exceptions, the Stickman art was all hand-drawn with a pencil on a piece of paper. Then, I simply used Anime Studio's image-warping capabilities to make 'em move. Naturally, the fact that I was working with stickpeople made the whole process somewhat easier (in fact, the whole idea behind Stickman and Cindy was to find something simple I could actually accomplish on my first time out of the proverbial gate). With this project, though, I'm exclusively working with AS's native vector art. If you don't know what that means, it's essentially just a type of 2-D computer art that renders a line or shape on-the-fly-like based on a series of points like you can see to the right (image clickable if you require a larger view). Move one point and the shape will warp itself to follow.

This is handy because it allows the computer to create and keep track of the line, itself. It's a lot more flexible than, say, a traditional image map or an even more traditional piece of paper with a pencil mark on it. This is the way, say, Flash animation works. It's pretty convenient. The downside is that you pretty much lose the hand-drawn look that I tend to like. But, I wanted to at least experiment with it and, while I would still like to do some more experimenting with hand-drawn art at some point in the future, I'm enjoying what I can do with vectors, right now.

Technical Difficulties

2007-03-24T20:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been struggling with computer issues for most of the past week. I found that a handful of programs that had run perfectly normally one night inexplicably froze Windows when I tried to run them the very next morning. Some programs worked fine, others crashed my system. Since I hadn't installed anything new or made any real changes to my PC prior to the issue, I tried doing a hard drive scan only to find, much to my horror, that chkdsk froze about 75% through. Froze completely. I let it sit for a couple of hours just to make sure, but it seemed pretty clear that it had no intention of finishing its task at any point the near future.

I'm no expert, but it sounded like a hard disk issue to me, but I went ahead and did a virus scan just in case. The results were pretty much the same, though. After scanning through most of the disk, it stopped, and Windows stopped responding soon after.

So, after dicking around with it for a while, I finally whipped out that system restore disk that came with my computer, made good and damn sure I had my files backed up (tip: an iPod with some extra space also doubles as a handy storage unit when one needs to back up a lot of shit at short notice), and reverted my system back to its original settings.

As far as I can tell, everything seems to be going okay. My PC isn't freezing and chkdsk ran straight through from start to finish without issue. So, I'm guessing I had some corrupted blocks on my hard disk which were erased at the system restore. But, I shall be making sure I'm all backed up. I don't want to be caught unprepared if the disk does, in fact, turn out to be failing completely.

All things considered, though, the animation is coming along at a pretty good rate. I lost a few days on it, but since getting my system stable, again, I've been working like the dickens on it while I let my net connection devote itself to all those damned updates I had to reinstall, so I've made up some lost time.

Still no word on a release date, though a significant portion of the actual animation is done. I've still got a couple more segments to get through, and then, of course, there's sound effects to foley, and just general polishing and whatnot ...

More info as it becomes available. Maybe.

Coming Attractions

2007-03-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

For everyone who enjoyed Stickman and Cindy and has been wondering when, if ever, the hell I was planning on following it up and what with, I've got good news: I'm following it up. More animation--or as I dorkily call it, "Arthimation" (see, it's funny 'cause it starts with Arth ... Y'know like Arthb ... Ah, forget it)--is on the way. And not in a vague, well I was thinking about something, pissed around with character design, whatever and what have you way. No, I'm really, honest-to-god-if-there-is-one, working on something. And I say, with great certainty, that yes, I am going to finish. I've already done enough work on it that I'm not stopping till it's done. It's still too early for me to guess at an end date, here, but it's coming.

A while back, I vaguely hinted (without really mentioning details) at some projects I was considering. Well, this isn't one of them. And I'm not telling you what it is. I maintain strict secrecy up until the moment of revelation. There's no way in ...

Well ... Okay ... Here's a little preview of sorts:

Hey, Howdy-Hey

2007-03-07T18:01:00.000-05:00

So, hey! Look at that. It's been over two months since I blogged! This is a new record for me and marks a great moment in non-productivity.

So, okay. You see, I follow flighty muses. Muses who hit me up with great bursts of inspiration and periods of creative fecundity, then suddenly disappear at a moment's notice only to show up unexpectedly months later, unconscious, reeking of booze, and with a previously undiscovered VD of unknown origins.

So, hello, everybody. Arthbard's back.

*Notice how every paragraph begins with the word "so"? ... That's totally an accident.

Merry Xmas, Blogland

2006-12-24T23:27:00.000-05:00

The obligatory holiday post. Sort of.

Personally, I kind of like the spelling Xmas. Not because my religious feelings tend to veer away from the faithful, and certainly not as a way to take the Christ out of Christmas. Heck, no. To the contrary, I'm to understand that the spelling actually dates back a thousand years or so and is derived from the fact that the letter X was commonly used as an abbreviation for the Greek spelling of Christ: Χριστος.

But, no, the reason I like Xmas is because it brings to mind terms like X-Games. Xmas is like the hip, badass form Christmas takes when snowboards and bungee jumps become part of the festivities. It's like Christmas Xtreme, yo.

While I'm on the Christmas subject, though, let me bring up the fact that the local TV news has been featuring a "Santa Tracker" to keep children up-to-date on the fat, red-suited one's current whereabouts. Presumably, this involves advanced radar systems and such--I don't really know the details. But at about 5:30 pm South Carolina time, the Santa Tracker informed the world--or at least the general area--that Old Saint Nick was making his rounds in California. Since South Carolina time is three hours later than California time, this would have made it awful fucking early for Santa to be delivering presents. Presumably, he wanted to get a head start on LA, because he sure as hell didn't want to be out and about after dark with the Crips and Bloods roaming the streets.

At about ten o'clock, the same TV station held a very convincing interview with Mr. Claus (via telephone), at which time he was working his way through Chattanooga, Tennessee. Seems to me the big guy's working his time zones the wrong way 'round.

Mr. Claus, Google the term "time zones." I tell you, you can drastically improve your efficiency.

Holiday-related observations aside, there's a more practical reason for this post, which is that I know I haven't been spending a lot of time in Blogland, lately, and have done very little in the way of posts. In my defense, I've been genuinely busy with work. And, as a heads-up to everybody, some family from out of town's going to be hanging around after Christmas, so lots of family stuff for me next week, probably. Beyond that ... I dunno. We'll see what I'm up to, then. I'll be around to do more posting sooner or later, but I make no promises as to the time-frame. My--ahem--legions of fans will just have to be patient.

Happy Holidays, y'all.

A Post Where I Talk About Video Games Some More

2006-11-22T23:27:00.000-05:00

I've been absent for a couple of days, but no, I haven't just been sitting around playing with my Wii. Okay, I've played with my Wii, but also I've had to work late on account of early deadlines due to the holidays. Also, some of my younger relatives that live nearby are out of school for the rest of the week due to said holiday. So, they've got time to kill, and I've got a Wii. So, guess where they've chosen to hang out the last couple of days.

Really, this is pretty much the first time in the last few days I've actually had enough time to myself for doin' internet junk. Plus with the aforementioned holiday and such, chances are I'm probably not going to be around much for the rest of the week, either.

Okay ... So, when I posted on Sunday, the plan was to return Monday with Wii-acquisition details. Obviously, didn't happen, but better late than never. Unless you really don't want to read about me standing in line, but there ya' go.

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, South Carolina still has what we call the "Blue Laws" I don't know why they're called blue laws, but they are. Perhaps on account of the fact that they make drunks and early-morning shoppers blue, but this is mere speculation. But as it applies to me, the blue laws combined with Nintendo's decision to release their new console on a Sunday were pretty advantageous for me. Timing and geography came together perfectly.

Strangely, though, the late-store-opening ramifications of the Sunday release never occurred to me until the day before. Up until then, I figured I'd probably drive to Wal-Mart early, but not really, that early. I wasn't going to sit outside the store at five in the morning. But, of course, I didn't have to.

I probably got there around maybe a little after 9:30. There were only a couple of cars in the parking lot, so I took the time to drive around town. There was literally nobody at K-Mart. EBGames and Blockbuster were similarly deserted. But, I went back to Wal-Mart because, well, they were open. As I also mentioned in a previous post, Wal-Mart can open earlier than SC's usual 1:30 restriction because they sell groceries. So, the grocery and pharmaceuticals sections were open, and the rest of the store was just partitioned off with yellow rope.

To let the Wii-waiters know where to start the line, Wal-Mart placed a single, small, discreet sign in a seemingly random part of the store nowhere near the electronics department. Like most of the other people who were there, I initially headed as near as I could get to the electronics section without passing the rope and, upon seeing no line of any sort, wandered around the store until I saw a bunch of people sitting on the floor. And, I went and sat with them.

Shortly afterward, some Wal-Mart employees came by with chairs for everyone. So, I got to sit down. Indoors. While it wasn't even actually particularly early in the morning. If one is going to wait around for a video game system, this was absolutely the best way to do it.

The very first two people in the line, though were an elderly couple, which started to make me think that maybe Nintendo's plan to appeal to wider demographics might really be working. But, then they started talking about waiting in line for other game systems, so they may have actually been pretty hardcore. Or else they have some really spoiled grandkids.

The guy and girl directly in front of me, on the other hand, were more typical of the average gaming populace--i.e. in their twenties or thereabouts. Apparently, they'd been the first two people in line for PS3's at K-Mart a couple of nights earlier. K-Mart, they said, got a grand total of two PS3's on launch day. And they got both of them. And sold them on eBay.

Another guy, apparently, rushed to Wal-Mart directly after church, where he'd pretty much sat praying the whole time for them to hurry it up so he could stake out a spot in line.

Finally, a few minutes before 1:30, an employee came to hand out vouchers. The term voucher is actually a bit grand, since it was really just a yellow piece of paper someone had written a number on with an ink pen. I got number ten. I'd estimate there were probably thirty or more people in line, and Wal-Mart had a total of 25 Wiis, so some of the late-comers had to go home empty-handed.

The Wiis and related paraphernalia were held back in Layaway, where a second line formed and we were waited on one-by-one. We still had to wait a couple of minutes before they would start selling anything, though. Legally, it had to be precisely 1:30 before a purchase could be made.

Now, a strange thing happened. As I was waiting and other people were getting their Wiis, I realized that people were buying extra nunchuks. I should explain in case there's anyone not familiar with the hardware. Nintendo's Wii uses a wacky motion-sensitive controller shaped like a television remote. There is an add-on with an analog joystick that will likely be necessary for most games. The analog stick add-on, when attached to the remote, makes the whole shebang look a set of nunchuks. Hence the name. So, people were buying extra nunchuks. And, I don't mean, like, extra nunchuks to go with the extra remotes they were buying, but, like, people would get to the counter and ask for an extra remote and two nunchuks. The nunchuk, of course, is pretty much useless without a remote to attach it to, and I was pretty sure that the remote included with the Wii system came complete with nunchuk, but everyone was buying extra ones, and someone in line explained to someone else in line that the Wii system came with the remote, but the nunchuk had to be purchased separately. So, I was starting to doubt myself.

Well, I was right, it turns out. The Wii system has the nunchuk included. But because everyone else was buying too many, Wal-Mart sold out of nunchuks before I got to the counter. So when I got out of the store--Wii, extra remote, and Twilight Princess in hand--I started scouring area stores for extra nunchuks. No luck, though. By the time I got to them, everyone had already sold out. But I'll get one sooner or later. In the meantime, the only multiplayer game I've got right now is WiiSports, and most of the games on that disc don't use the nunchuk, anyway. The one exception is Wii Boxing and, while it would be nice to box my friends in a motion-sensitive video game, I can live without this for the time being.

So, on to my impressions of the system. Since, y'know, I'm sure the whole world is waiting on the edges of their seats to find out what I think about it.

Well ... I think it's cool.

While the look of the system itself isn't exactly vital to gameplay, Nintendo tried to make the Wii sleek and stylish. And, when positioned vertically on the included stand, it does look pretty cool. With that said, however, if you place your Wii horizontally, like mine currently is, it looks a little bit like an 80's-era 5 1/2" external floppy drive. You remember those, right? The ones with the floppies that were actually floppy.

Graphics-wise, Twilight Princess actually looks quite good. Granted, I doubt that anyone's going to mistake it for, say, Gears of War, but it still looks nice, considering. Of course, WiiSports, isn't much to look at, but I don't think anyone's really going to be buying the Wii for its graphical prowess, anyway. The system is built around goofy motion controls, and those motion controls work pretty well, which is a relief. If you're one of those saps who convinced your mom to buy you a power glove for Christmas, you've seen how much of a disaster this control style can be when handled poorly. I assure you the Wii works much better. Take WiiSports' WiiBoxing. It works precisely the way the power glove commercials would have had you hope that Punch-Out! could work on the NES.

With that said, Nintendo needs to make a new Punch-Out! game for Wii. That would be so sweet.

And, the games ...

WiiSports, is simple, but fun. There's no depth to speak of, so realistically it's probably not going to hold your interest for very long, but it's fun and shows off what the remote can do, so it's a nice way to introduce people to the system and probably a good one to play with non-gamers.

The Legend of Zelda is The Legend of Zelda. It's awesome, of course. It's possibly the best Zelda game since Ocarina of Time and gets bonus points for not making you sail all around the damn ocean. Seriously, Wind Waker was a good game but sailing was annoying and I missed the classic Ocarina atmosphere. Twilight Princess is everything I hoped it would be, and I hoped for a lot.

More bonus points because Tingle's not in it.

Of course the Zelda control scheme, while it certainly works well enough, does kind of feel like it was designed around a more traditional controller and then just adapted into Wii functionality because, well, this is in fact what happened. But, as I say, it works. And once you've played for a few hours you're probably not going to care that it would all have worked just as well on a standard controller.

One point relating to the control scheme, though: Link's spin move. In the N64 games, it was generally accomplished by holding the B button down to charge it up, which isn't necessarily practical in the heat of battle when you're surrounded by enemies. There was a quicker, weaker version of it that could be accomplished by turning the analog stick in a circle and hitting B, but ... Well ... I could never do it. I mean, y'know, if I sat there and tried it, like, eight times in a row, I could eventually pull it off, but 1/8 odds isn't actually very good when you're trying to hit something. In Twilight Princess, you pull it off by shaking the nunchuk left and right. And a move I rarely ever used before suddenly becomes very easy and I do it all time, now.

I Got a Wii

2006-11-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

Yay, me!

Can't write, now.

More later.

I Don't Even Know What to Title This Post ... There's, Like, Eight Different Subjects in Here ...

2006-11-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

After I finished Stickman and Cindy, I'd initially planned to jump into a follow-up right away. I ended up waiting a while, at first because I wasn't quite sure what my second project was going to be. I had a few ideas in my head, of course, some of which have been sitting in there for a while looking for a way to get out, but as I considered them, I started to feel like I'd rather hold onto to them until I'd had a few more less ambitious experiments. Finally, I remembered an idea I had some years ago that I never found a place for, and I started on a script for that. But, then, shortly after, I had another idea, and I decided to put the other off a bit. This idea had to do with voting and was thus a bit less than timely as I only thought about it on my way out of the polls, but I wanted to do it, anyway. But, then, while I was fiddling with the main character design for this one, I ended up making him look a lot like a character I'd had in a series of comic strips I'd fooled around with some time back. I only ever drew about four strips with the characters in question, but I had some ideas for it I never got around to and became enamored with the idea of adapting it to animation.

This concept was appealing on various levels. As with a lot of creative projects that never see completion, I always felt kind of bad about leaving these characters behind. I thought they had potential. Secondly, the strip was based around a small number of characters, so there's less work on the character-design front. Also, since I'd presumably continue to do various animations with the same characters, I'd ultimately get to re-use a lot of stuff. Also, they're short. I mean, they're based on six-panel comic strips, right? So, I'd get to do something reasonably ambitious--i.e. a continuing series with recurring characters--that's actually relatively non-intimidating, as each individual episode (or WEBISODE to use dweeby internet parlance) would be somewhat simple.

So, right now, this is kind of what I think I'm going to be working on next. Granted, I could still change my mind. I've obviously done it several times already.

I've already done a little bit of experimentation with setting these guys up in Anime Studio, though I haven't actually put a lot of concentrated effort into it, as of yet. Mostly, because I've let myself be distracted by other things, not the least of which is that I bought a copy of Guitar Hero II last week.

Take it from me, people. If you've got a social life, and you'd like to get rid of it, a Playstation 2 and a copy Guitar Hero is absolutely the way to go. That can be Guitar Hero I or II depending on your own personal preference. They're both awesome. However, I'll add that GHII has a few notable improvements in terms of the multiplayer mode. So, if you're really serious about losing that social life, GHI may be the way to go.

Your call, though.

As it turns out, though, I've got really bad luck. My Playstation 2 broke down just a couple of days after the Guitar Hero purchase and merely a week before the release of Sony and Nintendo's respective brand new video game consoles. This was lousy timing. You know, spending money on old gaming technology when the next generation is a fucking week away ...

But I had to do it. That plastic guitar was calling my name.

Of course, I don't particularly have that much of a desire for Playstation 3 at this point. Mostly, 'cause it's crazy expensive. Nintendo's Wii, on the other hand ... Well, I want it. It comes out tomorrow. I don't really know what my chances of actually getting one on day one are, but I'm going to try. I don't actually plan on camping out like some people. I'm just going to drive to Wal-Mart, tomorrow, and hope they've still got some. The Wal-Mart in question isn't in a particularly big city (my town, of course, is much too small to actually have its own Wal-Mart--or anywhere else that really sells video game equipment, for that matter), so I'm hoping they won't sell out too quickly. I may also be helped by the fact that South Carolina still has so-called "Blue Laws" on the books, which makes it illegal for most businesses in most areas to open before about 1 or 1:30 on Sundays. The law is, of course, totally stupid, but for the first time in my life, it could actually benefit me.

So, if I'm lucky enough to acquire the Nintendo Wii (And, hopefully, a copy of Twilight Princess to go with it) ...Well ... Let's say that anyone planning to hold their breath for my follow up cartoon might want to take some really deep breaths beforehand. I'm just warning you, is all.

On a side note, about those wacky blue laws, they don't apply to certain businesses, including those selling food and various other things you'd best not deprive people of just because it's the Lord's day. Since Wal-Mart also has a grocery section, they can actually open earlier. They just can't open the whole store. So they rope off the offending sections with yellow tape, as if there's been a murder in housewares and police are currently investigating. I, for one, find this hilarious.

Drawing Stickpeople: How to Make a Funny Cartoon on a Budget. Also ... Where the Fuck has Arthbard Been?

2006-11-01T23:16:00.000-05:00

If you keep up with the comments here (and over at SafeTinspector's), you may already know that in making the previously-posted short film, Stickman and Cindy, I made use of a program called Anime Studio. As far as the question of "Hey, Arth! How did you do that?" is concerned, though, this is sort of the short answer. I also commented elsewhere that I might consider doing a more in-depth post on subject if anyone was interested in the gory details. And, since no one actually expressed any particular interest in this, I'm going to do it, anyway.

But, first, you may ask, "So, Arthbard. Where the fuck you been, man?" See, you might ask this since I haven't made a post of any sort since Stickman and Cindy over a week ago. The answer to this is: Oh, I've been around. This, however, is a lame answer and not very informative. Not at all. And you'd probably punch me if I brought up the question and just left it at that.

The more detailed answer is still not especially interesting, but here goes: I decided I'd rest for a couple of days after finishing the animation. A lot of work went into those little stick people, and I figured a short break wouldn't be uncalled for. Soon after, an idea struck me that seemed funny enough at the time, so I started working on it. However, while certainly not animation, it's still something different for me, and I struggled with it a bit. The original concept had to change somewhat to accommodate what I was actually capable of pulling off, and at one point I was getting frustrated and even questioning whether or not I'd even ever let it see the light of day. After screwing around with it and compromising the idea on various levels, I was just no longer able to tell whether it was funny, anymore. I was about to just scrap the whole thing and try to come up with something else to post, but I tend to get obsessed with my creative projects--especially the ones I put a good deal of time into--and, well, this was on my mind and my brain didn't want to concentrate on another project. So, rather than making a half-assed attempt to throw something else together, I got some feedback on the damned thing, put a little bit more work into it, and I'll probably be putting it up at SafeTInspector's, soon.

If that's not a good enough explanation, work's also been really busy the last few days.

And children are starving over in Africa. Which doesn't really affect me, y'know, but it's sad, man. Sad.

Anyway, on to

Animating ...

I, of course, looked at a few different products before I jumped in. The popular and obvious choice is Adobe/Macromedia Flash. The problem with Flash, as I've said before, is that it costs 700 fucking dollars. This is too much. They do also have a $300 basic version, but this is still a lot of money. Or you could always opt to snatch it up via warez. This is totally free, but not totally legal. For this reason, the Macromedia people probably wouldn't particularly appreciate my recommendation in this regard, so I hereby officially don't recommend it. Buuuttt, it's there if you're the kind of person who does that sort of thing. I just didn't recommend it. My ass is covered.

If you're not that kind of person, though, there are Flash alternatives out there. You're not likely to find anything free--there are some open source projects working on this, but it might be a while before anything useful comes out of them--but they are at least more affordable than Macromedia's offering. SWiSH, for example, was actually developed by former Macromedia employees and retails for about a hundred bucks. Not cheap, but it's a damn sight better than 700. If that's still too much for you, there's also a program called KoolMoves that goes for about 60. Considering the competition, this is pretty affordable, which helps to offset the fact that the company gave their product a dorky-ass name like "KoolMoves," which sounds like it was thought up by someone's six-year-old.

All of these programs aim to offer the full Flash functionality with all of the interactivity and whatever else that implies. Which also means that they're not necessarily designed with cartoon-making in mind. Like Flash, they can be used for this purpose, but Flash is sort of intended as a web-design tool. The ability to make cartoons is more like a side effect of Flash's Annoying-Ad-and-Splash-Page Creation Capabilities^TM.

Anime Studio is an animation tool, first and foremost. When I first heard of it, the program was going by the name Moho and sold for $100. By the time I actually got ready to purchase, I found that the people responsible for Moho had joined up with e-frontier, changed the name of the program to Anime Studio, and doubled the price. However, they'd also introduced a $50 basic version, which misses some fancy effects and limits each file to 3000 frames (roughly 2-3 minutes), but has the essentials you need to get the job done.

One of Anime Studio's interesting traits is that it's built around the concept of "bones," which is typical in 3-D animation, but I'm to understand isn't seen so much in 2-D programs. Essentially, what this means is that you create a skeleton for each character, with separate bones for arms, legs, and whatnot. Basically, wherever you need something to bend, you need two bones coming together into a joint. Once you've got a character set up, animating him is akin to playing with an action figure; just slower and more elaborate. Position him as you want, progress the timeline a few frames, then reposition him. AS fills in the gaps between your keyframes. Preview, and if you're not happy, go back and change it. Add more keyframes, take some out, move them around--whatever you gotta do to make it work.

AS can export to swf if you really want your animation in Flash format, but since Flash doesn't necessarily support everything that AS can do, you'd need to work around those limitations. Also, since AS is a purely animation-oriented program, it doesn't support interactivity of any kind, not even so much as a simple play button. So, when included on a web page, your cartoon will automatically start playing even if it isn't through loading. Even more importantly, if you're using the basic version of Anime Studio with the 3000-frame limit, animating shots separately and editing them together is no longer an option, since you'll probably be hard-pressed to find a piece of video editing software that works with swf files. You might be able to do it if you actually, y'know, use Flash, but that brings you back to the $700 price tag issue.

Sound Recording ...

As long as you've got a microphone, there's no need to spend money, here. There's a free, open source program called Audacity, and it rocks. If you don't have a microphone, you'll either need to get one or dedicate your skills to the revival of silent cinema, which is a noble pursuit, by the way--good luck with that.

The tricky part is synching it to your animation. I can't speak for other programs, but Anime Studio only allows you to include a single sound file (in wav format) and it automatically plays from the beginning of the animation.

You might find the easiest thing to do is to record your audio beforehand, edit it all together, and then fit your animation to your audio track. This is a little limiting, though, especially if you want to synch up footsteps and junk.

Alternately, you can do what I did, which is to record your audio elements separately, and then synch them up during ...

Video Editing ...

With the 3000-frame limit of Anime Studio Basic, it's more or less essential to be able to animate shots separately and edit them together later. Otherwise, it's merely very useful. The tricky part comes if you have a single shot that needs to last over 3000 frames. In this case, you can save a copy of the Anime Studio file, copy the last frame to the first frame, delete everything else, and animate from there. It's a bit of a hassle, but it works.

If you're working on a Windows or Mac system, then chances are you've already got video editing software. On Windows it's Movie Maker, on Mac it's iMovie. I can't speak for iMovie--I hear it's decent--but Movie Maker is a little lacking, partly because of limited export options and partly because of a lack of support for multiple audio tracks.

There are some free video editors, but the ones I tried were mostly either glitch-ridden to the point of unusability or just too limited. But here's a handful you can have a look at for yourself. Your mileage may vary:

Wax
Zwei-Stein
Jahshaka
Avid Free DV

Wax seemed promising, at first, if a bit buggy. Unfortunately, some glitch prevents it from playing audio when previewing video on certain systems, including mine, apparently. This makes it more or less impossible to try to synch various audio files on the sucker, which was a major reason I needed video editing software in the first place. And when I did try to export a video file, the program crashed completely. And, somehow, my experiences with Zwei-Stein and Jahshaka managed to be even worse. The free Avid software was a bit better, but it limits you to two audio tracks, which makes layering sound effects a pain. I thought I might be able to do it in passes, so to speak, by editing together, say, the footsteps or Stickman's vocal track or the pencil sound effects, exporting the video, extracting the audio, then when all was said and done, combining all of the extracted audio files in Audacity and recombining the resulting track with the video. I wasn't happy with the sound quality I was getting out of my exports, though (I also tried this with Movie Maker, with similar results). Realistically, when you're compressing for the web, there's going to be some loss, but I really wanted to have a higher quality copy on my PC and wasn't crazy about the idea of editing a noticeably compressed audio track into the video, which would subsequently be recompressed.

I did find one useful editing-related piece of free software, though, called VirtualDub. It's not actually a video editor, per se, but the ability to append a video file onto the end of another video file and remove unwanted frames makes it possible to use it for simple editing tasks. It also allows you to add and extract audio files. It's therefore conceivable that you could do your audio synching with a combination of VirtualDub and Audacity, though it would probably be a painstaking process. Like Anime Studio, VirtualDub only allows you to add a single audio file, but you can set the audio to start on any frame you like. If you then extract the audio, you should then have a sound file that, when synched from the beginning, will play exactly at the right spot. If you did this with every single fucking sound effect in the whole film, you could combine them all in Audacity and add the resulting audio to your film. This, however, isn't a particularly practical solution. If you really want to save money, I'd imagine it would work, but I finally just said fuck it and sprung the dough for Serif MoviePlus 5. It sells for about $80 and--while it lacks a bit in comparison with other products when it comes to scene transitions and various effects that I'd probably never use, anyway--it does allow for unlimited tracks (you're limited only by what your PC can handle) which no other consumer-grade video editor to my knowledge supports.

Also, Have a Look At ...

The GIMP. It didn't seem to fit under any of the previous headings, but if you're doing animations, then chances are you're going to want an image manipulation program of some kind. GIMP gives you a free, open source alternative to Photoshop.

Also, there is an animation package freely available as a GIMP extension. I haven't really fiddled with it, but it seems to be a more traditional sort of affair, where the animator must create a separate image for each individual frame without any keyframe tweening or whatnot. Which is probably a lot more work for the user, but feel free to give it a whirl, if you like.

Stickman and Cindy

2006-10-21T15:05:00.000-05:00

Anticipate! Good Time, C'mon! (It's Anticipaaation)

2006-10-20T18:28:00.000-05:00

The headline is intended to be a parody of the song "Celebrate" by whoever the hell it was who sang the song "Celebrate." I'm explaining, because I'm not sure how well the joke, as it were, comes across. I think it's probably either not obvious enough or way too obvious, and therefore stupid, but there ya' go.

Anyway, the point I was about to make before I started critiquing myself is that the long-anticipated (by me) premiere animated short (by me) is nearly here. I'm experimenting with various video formats and whatsits right now. Then, I've got to decide where I'm going to upload it, and then wait for my internet connection to do the uploading. But, I figure if I don't have it up by tomorrow night or so, you have permission to kick me in the face.*

*Face-kicking permission void everywhere.

Arthimation - Still Coming!

2006-10-11T19:01:00.000-05:00

Arthbard's premiere animation effort is still on the way. I even thought I might get it done in time for this past weekend, but various snags, distractions, and real-life time constraints have slowed things down a little. So ... I can't really give you a due date or anything but if all goes well ... I don't know ... Maybe next week sometime?

So, I'm tryin' something new ...

2006-10-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

I've got a little project I've been working on over the past - oh, I don't know - couple of weeks or so. Over the course of my life, I've tinkered with various forms of artistic expression from writing (both fiction and assorted silly shit like I tend to do here), drawing (random sketches, comic strips, and yes, assorted silly shit), and even playing a little bit of guitar (badly, mostly). But this is something I've never done before, and since I'm still kind of pondering what to do with Ringing the Otter now that I've generally started posting most of my comedy stuff to the SafeTinspector blog (http://safetinspector.blogspot.com/ go there now!), I thought I'd mention it here:

I'm trying to do animation.

This is something I've wanted to try for a while, I guess, but never really got into. Traditional, frame-by-frame animation is very laborious, while the standard guy-screwing-around-on-his-computer solution, Flash, costs 700 fucking dollars, so the idea was pretty much left to languish.

I suppose the desire was resuscitated several months ago when I did a random sketch (more of that assorted silly shit) that sparked some ideas in my head and inspired me to sit down and bang out a thirty-page script. This is not what I'm actually working on. No, upon completion of this script, I was well aware that it was way too ambitious for me, a total noob with no working knowledge of animation, to jump into as my first project. So, I started wracking my brain for the simplest, easiest thing I could animate to help me actually learn how to do it. So, eventually, I came up with an idea that seemed easy enough and at least mildly quirky, which doesn't really have any dialogue, so there isn't really a script, per se; more a sort of vague outline.

So, that's what I'm working on now, though I actually did continue to put it off for a while. Though I looked around at the time, I was never able to find any kind of free animation software that sounded capable of doing anything more complicated than converting a PowerPoint presentation to SWF format. And, while I found some more affordable alternatives to Flash, I was, at the time, working on an older, slower laptop that was practically falling apart (the screen eventually started to wobble back and forth disturbingly, finally popping loose a plastic bit on the edge and revealing some of the workings within) and I had every intention of replacing. And I didn't want to try to install anything on the eventual replacement only to discover anti-piracy measures forcing me to pay all over again because I'd already used the serial code on the shitty computer.

But, I've got since upgraded my computer, settled on an animation program (though the SWF export has some limits, so I doubt I'll be doing anything in Flash format), and hopefully I'll have the end results of this whole experiment ready to share with everyone sometime soon.

Beware of the Leopard

2006-09-26T18:59:00.000-05:00

So, not too terribly long ago, I posted this entry here about villains with conveniently descriptive names. Then, what happens? Yesterday, at work, I found myself putting together an ad for the paper celebrating some kid's first birthday. Which is a normal thing which I have to do often. The noteworthy part is the name of the kid in question. Let's do it in reverse order, shall we?

Firstly, the boy's last name is Leopard. Unusual, but as I said about Goldfinger's surname, this is complete coincidence and not at all the fault of the parents.

But ... His parents are presumably responsible for giving him the middle name Sno. Well, either they're responsible or they lost a really bad bet, in which case they should probably be in a twelve-step program for gambling with their child's name ("I'll see your twenty dollars and raise you one unborn fetus' middle name"). So the end of this kid's name is "Sno Leopard." Snow Leopard, you see ...

But, they didn't stop there. No. The first name has nothing to do with weather or large cats, but if you ask me, the name Xander is a classy badguy name if ever I heard one.

So, I think I've just been witness to the birth of the next great supervillain. As of now, the jury's still out on his secret powers, though. Will he simply grow up to be a mad, crazy Snow Leopard collector? Will he graft mechanical leopard limbs to his body? Will a freak lab accident inadvertently combine his genetic structure with that of a leopard? Only time will tell.

I think I need to start taking bets on this, though. I've got ten-to-one odds on mechanical leopard parts.

An Official Announcement of Officious Officialness

2006-09-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

After some conversation with the inimitable SafeTinspector,* the two of us have decided to take a go at teaming up. That's right, we're joining forces, like two enormous robots combining together to form a larger robot and beat up dinosaurs, in a great, big blogosphere metaphor for The Transformers.

We promise to only use our dinosaur-beating-up powers for good. However, for the sake clarity, it should be pointed out that in this metaphor our "dinosaur-beating-up powers" are represented by our respective attempts at humor, and no one, therefore, is actually encouraged to send any actual dinosaurs our way. They will not get beaten up, so don't waste your time and postage.

For now I've thrown up an existing entry regarding space tourism and the original moon landing that's already been previously available here for a while, but I'll get some newer material up soon, so check it out.

*I know. I've tried. He's got a funky, little twang in his voice. Can't be imitated. Don't bother trying.

iPac-Man

2006-09-14T21:27:00.000-05:00

Since my Video iPod had a decently fun version of the old Atari classic Breakout, I figured there was probably no reason Apple couldn't offer downloadable games through iTunes if they really wanted to. And, so, here it is. For $4.99, you can now get games for you iPod, including Tetris and the immortal Pac-Man.

I haven't tried to download any of these games, yet, but I kind of like having the option. Unfortunately, I kind of suspect that playing Pac-Man on your iPod's click-wheel is going to be something akin to entering a medieval joust armed with a bread-knife. It's probably pointy enough to get the job done, but it's not really your ultimate weapon choice.

Still, I might try out Tetris or the Pac-meister sooner or later, if only to be able to tell people, "I got Pac-Man in my pants! Yeah!"

Anyway, a dude calling himself "Guitar Guru" gave Pac-Man the following review on iTunes:

PACMAN STILL RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pacman has inspired so many games. It is still fun even though it doesn't have the best graphics in the world. That doesn't matter because the fun makes up for the graphics

P.S. listen to Nirvana. They're the best!

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment, but I still don't know what Nirvana has to do with Pac-Man. Their rise in popularity came long after that of Pac-Man, they never sang Pac-Man Fever, and the resemblance of Pac-Man to Nirvana's iconic smiley face with a bullethole in the forehead is superficial at best.

I guess Guitar Guru just wanted to give some well-deserved publicity to an obscure, little band no one else in the world has ever heard of before.

Fun Trivia Fact: Pac-Man was originally going to be called Puck-Man, until someone realized that it would be very funny for bored teenagers to turn the P into an F.

Not as fun and not particularly trivia-related fact: The sentence about Nirvana being an obscure, little band no one's ever heard of contains sarcasm. They're actually quite famous.

Idiocracy

2006-09-09T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how far behind the times I am, but I didn't even realize Mike Judge had a movie in the works until I read the review on The Onion A.V. Club. Given that Fox has basically just shit the movie out into a measly seven cities without so much as a trailer, maybe I can be forgiven for my ignorance. In fact, there seems to have been pretty much zero marketing of any kind. Not zero as in they bodged it up or did a really bad job of it, but zero as in actually zero, nothing at all, nada. Every appearance seems to suggest that Fox is trying to kill the film.

The other possibility is that the lousy handling of the movie is some crazy experimental marketing scheme to get the internet buzzing louder than Snakes on a Plane, but that sounds just as much like a conspiracy theory as Fox trying to kill their own movie, so take your pick.

Reviews, though generally positive, have been mixed. Some people think it's stupid, gross, and juvenile, but then that's what people thought about Beavis and Butt-Head, too. I never got into Beavis and Butt-Head during its heyday - I was kind of a goody-two-shoes in high school and my family didn't have cable, anyway - but what I've seen of the show in later years is funny. I also think King of the Hill is a pretty good program, and Office Space was great. Plus the concept of Idiocracy sounds borderline brilliant.

I want to see it.

Descriptive Villainous Monikers - Now That's Convenient!

2006-09-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

The villains are always more interesting than the heroes, right? The best thing about villains, though, is probably their names. I tend to like the really descriptive ones. Remember Jaws from the James Bond movies? I mean, I assume "Jaws" was probably a nickname received only after the acquirement of huge, fucking, metal teeth (what dentist does one go to for this kind of work, anyway).

The same goes for Spider-Man's Dr. Octopus. But I really like the fact that Doc Ock's real name was still Otto Octavius. Because a name like that tends to restrict your career options, somewhat. Can you honestly imagine a possible scenario in which the life of anyone named Otto Octavius could somehow end without the attachment of giant, mechanical tentacles to his body? I don't think so.

And what about The Riddler? His real name was Edward Nygma. See ... E. Nygma ... Get it? Quirky sense of humor, mom and dad, but now your kid's a maniacal genius with an unhealthy obsession with high school logic problems. Gee, thanks a lot, parents!

And what about Skeletor from the He-Man cartoons? He's clearly named after the simple, obvious fact that he is a skeleton, as, presumably, were his parents. Real creative. So Mr. Skeletim and Mrs. Skeletina had a look at their previous children - Skeletricia, Skelethomas, and Skeletammy - and said to themselves, "Hmm ... I wonder what suffix we should give the new baby." Still, I guess it's more inventive than Beast-Man, at any rate.

But my favorite is the titular villain from James Bond's third film: Auric Goldfinger. So, his surname is Goldfinger. This is pure chance and not at all the fault of the parents. But, then just to rub it in, they go and name him "Auric," a term used as an adjective to describe gold or anything gold-like, which happens to be derived from the Latin word "aurum," which means gold, and the kid grows up to really like gold a whole hell of a lot. Coincidence? Or is there a connection?

I mean ... What would happen if, say, someone were to name their child Tinny McTinnerman? Would he be instantly predisposed to grow up to strap secret agents to tables under giant laser beams while spouting out needlessly extended speeches?

Tinny McTinnerman: All, my life, Mr. Bohnd,* I've loved ... Tin! Its color! Its texture! Its intoxicating lack of aroma! Always, I've yearned for it, wanted it, hoped to possess it in larger and increasingly unwieldy quantities! And you, Mr. Bohnd, are powerless to stop my master scheme to kill hundreds of innocents and stroll off with a half-ton of the world's most impressive tin!

Bohnd: A half-ton of tin? But isn't that only worth, like, a few thousand dollars?

Tinny McTinnerman: Five thousand one hundred and eighty dollars! And it'll all be mine!

Bohnd: Oh. Okay.

Tinny McTinnerman: Imagine what a conversation starter it will make! "Why, Tinny, is that a half-ton of tin in your living room?" "Yes! Yes, it is!" I'll have the ultimate centerpiece! And then I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!

Don't worry kids. I have the greatest faith that Agent Bohnd will escape this predicament, put an end to McTinnerman's dastardly schemes, and go on to face down the evil mastermind Molestie Horngobblin in his next film, The Spy Who Touched Me.**

See also: This Post

*The h is silent, but its inclusion is strictly required for legal reasons. Damn lawyers.
**Not a real movie.

Arts in the F- ... Naw ... That's too obvious ...

2006-09-08T19:18:00.000-05:00

A city not too far from my current locale holds an annual festival that goes by the name Arts in the Heart of Augusta.

This is their logo, this year:

Apparently, they've got some kind of Indian theme going on, which I guess explains the presence of Vishnu. But I still don't know why they have her farting streamers:

Go figure.

[This post has been EDITED to say I screwed up when referring to Vishnu as "she." Though God in Hindu is supposed to be, like, sexless pretty much, I take it, Vishnu is generally referred to in masculine terms. Still, unless there's some other four-armed Indian deity I'm not familiar with, I have to say he's got some pretty sexy legs for a vaguely dude-ish nongendered entity.]

Out of Context Headlines: Episode XI

2006-09-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

Congress consumed by politics: It's a sad day when even perfectly innocuous governmental institutions like Congress can find themselves unexpectedly involved in politics.

Bush Admits the CIA Runs Secret Prisons: But, shhh ... Don't tell anybody.

Montana Firefighters Battling With Bees: Meanwhile, representatives of the Montana Beekeeping Association get mistakenly sent to site of burning orphanage. Confusion ensues.

More 'Intersex Fish' Found in Potomac: Christians declare gender-ambiguous fish a blight against God, insist fish pick a damn sex and just stick with it, already.

EPA Plans Restrictions for Calif. Frog: But illegalizing frogs will not assuage people's desire to possess them. I foresee the emergence of a great, Mafia-driven black market in illegal frog trading! Mark my words, people, this is going to be prohibition all over again! ... Cripes, why does no one ever take my opinions seriously!?

Woman Bitten by Snake in Fla. Lowe's: Hey, that's a good one! Snakes in a Lowe's!

REVIEW: Frames give new life to photos: I'm just glad somebody finally said it. The frames are the only reason I ever go to the museum.

Speeding driver blames lack of goats: Damn goats ... Where are they when you need them?

Malaysian astronaut to throw tea party in space: Witty comment #1. Is it a mad tea party? #2. This sounds like it could get messy. #3. That's one small sip for man! ... Yadda, yadda ...

Your chance to be just like Cher: You mean I can be like an old, overrated pop star with too much plastic surgery? Wow! Sign me the fuck up!

Pentagon bans abusive interrogation methods: Lousy government ... Look ... When our forefathers banned "cruel and unusual punishment," you can't seriously think they were talking about foreigners!

Union fights over worker's right to say "scab": Because some things are worth fighting for.

NASA tries to decide when to launch Atlantis: Geez, dude, the Russians are flying up female tourists and Malaysian tea parties, and we can't even schedule a stinkin' shuttle launch? What the fuck, man ... What the fuck!

Happy Arthbard Day, Everybody!

2006-09-04T17:34:00.000-05:00

Howdy, all! Today, as you might have known, is International Arthbard Day, the day when folks all over the world come together in celebration of the birth of me, twenty-seven years ago. In fact, Arthbard Day is so popular that most people get the day off of work for it. I know they usually call it "Labor Day," presumably in honor of the labor my mother endured in birthing me, but it's all the same.

What? What did you think it was celebrating? Eight-hour work days?

Also, one may notice that, on occasion, this "Labor Day," as it's called, doesn't always fall directly on the fourth of September. This is perfectly understandable, though, and nothing for me to get annoyed about. After all, they do the same thing with Washington's birthday (in fact, they even lump it right together with Lincoln's birthday, so I'm actually pretty lucky if you think about it). To avoid confusion, you should just open your calendar to "Labor Day" and replace it with "Arthbard Day (observed)."

The New Space Race - One Small Step

2006-09-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

At one time, the Russians shooting a practically useless metal box called Sputnik into orbit was enough to incite American paranoia and goad us into giving our own space program a big, ol' kick in the pants. They beat us into orbit. We beat them to the moon.

But it's not over, friends. On September 18, a Russian rocket is scheduled to make Anousheh Ansari the first female space tourist - that is to say, the first person to ever pay money to get into space who also has breasts and a vagina. And as if that weren't a big enough blow to our big, American egos, she's Iranian! ... Well, okay, technically she's Iranian-American since she lives in Texas and started a large-scale telecommunications company - a suitably capitalistic venture in its own right. So, the race to get a female tourist into space is sort of a three-way tie, in a way. But that's not good enough. America don't settle for ties!

Since most of the big goals we're likely to be in a current position to hit have already been done - like first monkey in orbit, or first man to drive a car on the moon - I think we're going to have to shoot for some increasingly specific achievements, here. The next big race, for example, will be for who can get the first girl with a nose ring and a gimpy knee into orbit. After that will be the first full-grown man to have difficulty tying his shoelaces in zero gravity.

These are battles we can't afford to lose.

But on a more nostalgic note, let's jump back to those immortal words issued by Neil Armstrong during the first moon landing: "That's one small step for man ... One giant leap for [static-crackle] mankind." I like this quote a lot. I like it mainly because I like to imagine how much thought must have gone into it beforehand. Because, honestly, what are the odds that Neil Armstrong took a step off of the Moon Lander and blurted out the first thing in his head. It was an important moment in history and must have been planned far in advance. I mean, imagine if our iconic moon quote had been:

Clearly unacceptable from a historic standpoint. NASA probably had committees working on that line months in advance.

However, I prefer to imagine Armstrong in the Lander on the way down, frantically racking his brain for the perfect phrase. Maybe he even got into an argument with Buzz Aldrin about who got to go out first.

Buzz: I want to go first.

Neil: No way. Besides, I've got a great quote.

Buzz: Betcha mine's better.

Neil: Well, okay then, tell me yours.

Buzz: No way, man! I'm not gonna tell you my quote!

Neil: C'mon, you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.

Buzz: I don't trust you. You're just gonna steal my quote.

Neil: No, c'mon, dude, tell me.

Buzz: You tell me yours first.

Neil: Don't be that way, Aldrin ...

Buzz: Okay ... Okay ... I'm going to step off the Lander ...

Neil: Uh-huh ...

Buzz: ... And I'm gonna say, "That's one small step for man ..." Then, I'm gonna pause, like, and then add, "One giant leap for mankind."

Neil: Hmm ... That actually is pretty good ...

Buzz: Okay, so what's yours?

Neil: Hmm? Oh, nothing ...

Buzz: C'mon, man, I just told you mine.

Neil: Let's just draw straws.

Buzz: You son of a bitch ... You're gonna steal my quote, aren't you!?

Neil: No, no, of course not. Let's draw straws.

Little did Buzz Aldrin know, Neil Armstrong cleverly hid the bulk the longer straw in the palm of his hand, making it seem far shorter than the short straw, which he gripped just by the end so as to increase the appearance of its length. The rest is history.

Dammit, that's not a Coral Snake

2006-09-01T18:53:00.001-05:00

So ... Snakes on a Plane ... Again. But this is the last one, seriously.

Okay, a guy witnesses a murder. Check. The murderer wants him dead. All good. He puts a bunch of snakes from all over the world on a plane because he's "exhausted all other options." Sounds reasonable to me. The snakes are riled up because a bunch of leis were sprayed up with pheromones - a.k.a. magic horny juice - which makes the snakes violent, though not visibly horny. Perfectly believable. The snakes disable plane systems by biting through electric wires for no discernible reason. Hey, it could happen. A respectable actor like Sam Jackson doing a stupid, schlocky wannabe B-movie. Well, why not?

But this ... This will not stand ...

The gentleman on the right, the one with the brightly-colored stripes, is what those in the know refer to as a Scarlet Kingsnake and those really in the know refer to as Lampropeltis triangulum elapsoides. It is not venomous. It is not particularly aggressive. It would probably hurt like shit if it bit you, but so would your pet cocker spaniel. It is not dangerous. And it is not a coral snake, which looks similar and delivers a potent venom but is so small it has difficulty opening its mouth wide enough to inject that venom into anything above the size of a small rodent, anyway. You can easily tell the difference by remembering the following dumbass rhyme:

Red on yellow,
Killer fellow,
Red on black,
Friendly Jack.

I frankly don't know what a "friendly jack" is. It sounds like something a girl who isn't particularly into you but still thinks you're a nice enough kind of guy might do as a sort of a favor.* But, at any rate, it's a lot less dangerous than a "killer fellow," which is the point.

Why did the terrorists feel the need to throw a shitload of harmless Kingsnakes into a crate full of scary, poisonous vipers, sidewinders and one not-at-all-venomous-but-pretty-damn-big-to-make-up-for-it Burmese Python? Because the filmmakers were stupid. Yes, that's it.

I request - nay demand - authentic reptilian coloration in my cheesy, plot-hole-ridden exploitation flicks.*

*Note: Most places on the internet quote the rhyme as "friend of Jack," which makes slightly more sense, but I learned "friendly Jack" as a kid, and that's easier to make handjob jokes about.
*Also note: The rhyme is apparently really only useful in the Eastern US and coral snakes in other parts of the world have different stripe patterns, including Scarlet Kingsnake-like red-on-black stripes, which pretty much makes this entire post moot. Please ignore.

IDstravaganza!

2006-08-31T19:09:00.000-05:00

Hello, everybody! I'm here today because, you guessed it, it's New License Day! That's right, New License Day! After a short drive to the DMV and the filling out of a form or two, your esteemed blogger is now legally able to drive a car for ten additional years.

To be honest, I was kind of excited about New License Day. My knuckles went white as I gripped the pen. My hands shook as I filled out the renewal form. I sweated profusely, which to be fair could easily have been the result of an unrelated and undiagnosed glandular condition.

The source of all this anticipation? Aw, c'mon, don't play dumb. You know as well as I do what was so exciting: New Driver's License Photo! Everybody loves to get a new driver's license photo!

For comparison, I present both my old driver's license photo (the one on the left) and the new one (on the right).

The old one's not bad, but the new one makes me look like a crazy redneck. If I ever get married and beat my wife, that's what my mug shot is going to look like.

In keeping with the theme of the post, I rummaged through my wallet to pull out every old picture ID I could find.

Here, for example, is me as dork my first year in college.

And here's me a couple of years later with a lot more hair.

And here's one where I look like the fucking sasquatch. The shadows cover up any skin that may have been visible in the lower half of the photo, making it look like I've got a Billy-Gibbons-style beard extending halfway to my navel, which isn't the case, but feel free to pretend otherwise if it amuses you.

Browser Compatibility Issues. Warning: Profanity Follows

2006-08-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

Oh, holy, shit-fucking Hell. I hate Internet Explorer. I know that doesn't sound like much of a revelation. A lot of people hate Internet Explorer. Its quirks, flaws, and security vulnerabilities have never really tended to get my blood boiling so much. Because I use Firefox - it's a good browser, and you should try it. Plus most websites render properly in IE. The fact that this is primarily because of the fact the web designers go out of their way to make their sites work in the world's most popular internet browser is of no consequence to the surfer.

But, I'm trying to beef up my web-coding chops a little. I haven't really done much HTML coding for a couple of years, and I never made any attempt to pick up CSS. Pretty much the only thing I've done with either recently (and still pretty much the only one with CSS, period) is, in fact, the template for this blog, which was not so much designed as bludgeoned into existence. So, I've started reading a bit about modern coding. Particularly the CSS bits. Like I said, I pretty much knew zero about it.

So, I go along and start trying out a couple of test pages just to see what I can do, right? It takes a little bit of trial and error, and I have to look a lot of things up, but I manage to throw some stuff together. But, I'm well aware that browsers don't always interpret CSS the same, so I downloaded the latest versions of every major browser I could think of for testing and junk. Netscape, Opera, SeaMonkey - which is apparently what the old Mozilla project's going by now that Mozilla is focusing on Firefox. In particular, I remember Opera having a reputation for wonky CSS-support a few years ago, but either they've gotten their act together on that front or I just got lucky, because everything I've tried so far looks pretty much the same in Opera as it did in Firefox. In fact, what little bit I've fiddled around with so far, has displayed pretty consistently in every browser I've tried it with ... Except for Internet Explorer.

Good Fucking Lord! I never realized what a shitty job Microsoft's done with what one would assume to be the foremost application of this program, i.e. simply displaying a goddamned web page. There are simple, basic, standard pieces of CSS syntax that IE not only misinterprets, but just completely fails to understand in any way, whatsoever. Right now, I'm wondering if Microsoft gives even the faintest inkling of a rat's ass about standards-compliant browsing. And, logically, what incentive do they have to care? They've got upwards of a 90% market share, here. Of course, web-designers are going to bend over backwards just to make sure their pages don't get completely chewed up by Bill Gates' virtual web-page-shredding simulator.

Hell, I feel really sorry for people who do large-scale web design, right now. I don't even want to imagine how much time they put into dealing with this shit. You know, CSS has been around for a while, now. For the world's most popular web browser to offer such lame support of it is pretty much inexcusable at this point. Presumably, the Microsoft people have just had their hands full finding new and inventive ways to insert security flaws in your system.

I've not tried the beta version of IE 7, but I can only assume that the end product is going to do a better job of this stuff. If not, then, simply put, Microsoft hates you. There could be no other explanation.

Real Life Adventures: Why, yes, I would love to hear about your religion!

2006-08-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday at Best Buy, I got accosted by a couple of churchies. Okay, my definition of accost is vague, here. I have the impression that it refers to a confrontation of some kind, though sometimes it also seems to imply a degree of violence and various places on the internet seem to define it as soliciting a sex act, which isn't what happened, but would have made a more interesting story. Maybe next time.

What happened, though, is this. I was wandering down the printer aisle when this guy - very soft-spoken, so much so that it was often difficult to say just what he was soft-speaking - approached me, offering me his church's business card - or at least the religious equivalent of a business card - and basically saying something to the extent of how great it would be if I came to his church. It was a brief exchange, and I'm a nice enough guy, so I took his card and even said thank you - I didn't really mean it, y'know, but I said it anyways - and went about my business.

But I guess upon further reflection he must have decided that he hadn't quite saved me, after all, because seconds later he returned to say how much he wanted me to go to heaven. He asked me if I knew how to get into heaven. Religious blokes always want to explain this stuff to you, but I am familiar with the basic concept, so I say yeah, I know the drill. Okay, I didn't say I knew the drill. I just wanted to. I was trying to be nice to the guy. Of course, having said yes, he then, of course, wanted to quiz me on it to make sure, so I gave him the line about accepting Christ into your heart and being kind to your fellow man. Christians always seem to feel very sincere and revelatory when revealing this information, but I found it impossible to say without feeling like a complete and total dork. Which I tend to feel like anyway, but a particularly insincere one at this particular time.

He went on to ask me some increasingly invasive questions, like what I do for a living, where I live, etc. When he asked if I had a phone number I could be contacted at, I had to go from politely dodging the questions to flat out lying. No, I don't have a phone number. I'm sorry, God. He forced me into it. You saw it!

Since he couldn't get my number, he decided to give me his and the number for his church's prayer line. Which, I guess you call when you want to pray but need help. Like, I guess, if you don't know the protocol or something. He also showed me the map on the back of the business card and made sure I could find my way if I decided to go.

He also had a friend there with him, but the friend didn't really say much. I got the feeling that he was present mainly as a overseer. Like maybe the whole thing was some kind of weirdass Christian initiation ritual I'd previously been unaware of. Almost like a frat hazing sort of thing.

Sometimes, Christians seem to think nonbelievers might change their ways if only someone were to explain the facts to them. Feel free to mentally insert quotation marks around the word facts if you want to. The fact of the matter is that I've thought about religion quite a bit, and thinking about it is actually what has drawn me away from religion to an extent. I don't go to church. I don't want to go to church. That's a decision I've made, not something I'm waiting around for someone to talk me into.

When I was young, my parents didn't really go to church - something of an oddity in this part of the country. In fact, it's very rare around here for anyone to ask if you go to church. That's just an assumption. Instead, they usually ask what church do you go to. Growing up, this was a source of awkward embarrassment, as I was forced to answer, well ... I don't ... really go to one ...

Still, you're surrounded by religion, here, so it's next to impossible to grow up without some of that rubbing off on you. Not going to church to have ideas pounded into my head, though, allowed me to form my own opinions on the subject. So, I figured I was sort of religious on my own terms. The drastic difference between common Christian beliefs and my own, however, has pretty much brought me to the point where calling myself "agnostic" would probably be erring on the side of faithfulness. But I don't really call myself agnostic, or anything else for that matter. I am what I am, I feel how I feel, and I believe what I believe. I don't feel the need to have a name for it.

But, I've lost my place. Somewhere in here I was going to talk about when I used to work with a girl who was a Jehovah's Witness. You know, those annoying people who come by your house to try to talk you into changing faiths. Drive-by convertings, of a sort. I remember one day she was asking me if I had any questions about her faith. She seemed convinced that I would have some. As I didn't, she offered up some of her own. She asked if I wanted to know why Jehovah's Witnesses did their little door-to-door house call thing. So, I said sure. She obviously wanted to talk about it. Basically, she then proceeded to tell me what I already knew. Okay, so she quoted exact Bible verses, and I didn't know those, but the basic concept of spreading the word is not too complicated to figure out on your own. But then, she was also wondering about why people always turn the lights off and hide in the closet when the JW's come by. So, apparently, the Jehovah's Witnesses actually don't realize how annoying it is to have people stop by to sell you religion. And if I had to guess, I'd bet they think the reason people don't answer the door for them has something to do with some kind of widespread misunderstanding about their beliefs. Nope, Jehovah's Witnesses, you're just annoying. I guess "No thanks, I'm not in the market for a new faith, today" just doesn't sink in.

Still, they're just trying to keep people out of Hell. They mean well, you know. People generally do. Their hearts are in the right place, it's just their heads that have some funny ideas.

So, it always amazes me in a way when I hear the occasional Christian asking why anyone would ever not believe in God. I mean, I kind of understand where it's coming from, but it just goes contrary to logic in so many ways. There's a reason the phrase "burden of disproof" has never entered into the common lexicon. If I were to tell you I had a dog that could grant wishes, you'd damn well want to see it grant some wishes before you bought into the concept. You wouldn't automatically accept it, sight unseen, and question why anyone else wouldn't. That's just crazy talk. But the fact is that religious people are seeing the world from a drastically different angle than the purely logical one, because they have a book. Everything else is based on that. They live under the basic assumption that this book is accurate, and their entire belief system is built off of that. Never mind the fact that every other religion in the history of the world comes complete with its own book that's perfectly contradictory to every other one.

I think organized religion tends to suppress the natural logic processes. It seems like most people would want to see a little evidence before buying the magic man in the sky theory, but you don't ask for evidence. You just accept it. If you question it, you go to Hell. There's very little room for free thought in that equation. And, anyway, if one is to change their position on the matter, they're then left without this basic assumption that everything else has been built on. And that's a scary position to be in.

But, enough pretentious pondering, for now. Possibly the one thing I can't stand more than any other is someone else telling me what to believe. I'm willing to listen to facts and opinions and make my own decisions accordingly, but tell me to believe something, and it's likely to put me in a foul mood. So, my run-in at Best Buy has pretty much left me with the urge to masturbate to lesbian pornography while listening to Black Sabbath and advocating stem cell research. Speaking of which, don't bother me, right now. I'm going to be busy for the next ten minutes.

Penis Unicorns

2006-08-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, Penis Unicorns.

That is all.

Motherfuckers on a Plane

2006-08-17T20:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah, Snakes on a Plane, right? What do I have to say on the subject that hasn't already been pontificated upon on every message board on the internet? Well, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

But I was thinking my postings have been a bit sparse, lately. I've never attempted to do these things on any kind of a schedule, really, so I do have sporadic bursts of fairly frequent posts and bursts of much less frequent posts. Even during the less frequent periods, I do try to make sure I get at least one out in any given week, just so the place don't get dusty. So far, during August - which is two-thirds of the way over, by the way - I've done a grand total of three. Which is not terribly impressive. So, I figured that made it high time to spit something out, inspiration be damned.

So, in lieu of inspiration, what do you do? You grab the most obvious target you can find and spoof the shit out of it. So, Snakes on a Plane.

How to Make a Spoof
A Step by Step Tutorial

Find something that rhymes with the title.
Write about it.
Get criticized for being too derivative and "dumb as shit."

So, Snakes on a Plane. I thought maybe I might do a couple of mini-spoofs, as it were. I had three in mind. One of them is coming up in a minute - wait for it. The other two were Snakes on Cocaine and Snakes on David Blaine. I realize, however that I'm dabbling in well-tread waters, here. I know a number of internet folk have already come up with a number of hilarious rhymes for the Snakes on a Plane title. (You know they're hilarious if they rhyme. Weird Al Yankovich's entire career is based on that premise.) I thought I was probably safe with Snakes on David Blaine, but Snakes on Cocaine sounded like it was just waiting to be done, which I figured probably meant that it already had been. So, I did a Google search just to be sure. Turns out, the first page of the search turned up a MySpace page with a comment that included not one, but both of those titles. Damn.

Well, I'm not sure what I would have done with them, anyway. I just kind of guessed they'd pretty much write themselves. The other title didn't turn up on the first page of a search, and I didn't bother to dig deeper. That's good enough for me. Unfortunately, it doesn't actually rhyme, per se, so if you're a stickler for the spoof rules I just invented, I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time.

But enough about people stealing my jokes before I come up with them. I know the movie hasn't had any preview screenings for critics, but eventually they're going to see it, and they're going to write reviews for it.

Now, here's the problem. What's a movie reviewer to do? They go to all that trouble, go see the movie, write a thought-out review, and then ... Holy shit! It's time to think up a witty, pithy headline! And, guess what? They're all taken! Snakes are Inane? Too bad, Leonard Maltin. Snakes are a Pain? Sorry, Roeper. Snakes are Quite Lame? Tough titty, Joel Seigel.

The Apocalypse is coming, people. I firmly believe that our entire movie-reviewing system is going to crash overnight. After that, goes the economy, at which point it's only a short stroll to four horseman named Death, Famine, Pestilence, and whatever the other one was. War or something. I don't know.

Clearly, I didn't research the Apocalypse with the same thoroughness as Snakes on a Plane titles. I think this is a rational decision on my part.

So, now, on to the main course (Hey, Snakes are in Maine; that's a good one). Buckle up and put your seats in their upright position for:

People on a Plane

Trisha Snake: Ahhh! Oh God, oh God! There's People on the plane!

Murray Snake: Try to stay calm, Trisha. They're probably more afraid of you than you are of them.

Trisha Snake: Oh shit! Oh Jesus, that one just stepped on Barney!

Murray Snake: Quickly, Trisha! Let's try to hide under the seat!

Trisha Snake: Oh crap, one of them touched me!

Murray Snake: Look, here's someone! Maybe he can help!

Samuel Snake Jackson: I'm going to get these motherfucking people off this motherfucking plane!

Murray Snake: Y'know, I don't think that kind of language is really necessary.

Trisha Snake: I think that particular reference to a reference is a bit overdone, as well.

Samuel Snake Jackson: Says the chick in an internet post about Snakes on a Plane.

Murray Snake: Touche, Sam. Touche.

The End

And remember, people, don't stay tuned for Snakes on a Plane on a Plane, the tale of a Hollywood executive who screens Snakes on a Plane for a bunch of airline passengers. I repeat, don't stay tuned. It isn't coming.

The Canterbury Tales: Medieval Smut at its Finest

2006-08-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

So, I just finished reading The Canterbury Tales. I just so happened to have a leftover copy that I never read in college and thought, well, y'know, what the fuck? When I say I read it, I should probably modify that with the following facts:

I read a modern translation. Since the book was originally written in English, this might seem a bit strange to the uninitiated. The language in the book is, in fact, Middle English, which is so far removed from Modern English as to cause actual, physical harm to anyone who doesn't already have a doctorate in the area. You know, like, how hard it is to understand what Shakespeare's going on about? Well, keep in mind that Chaucer's death preceded Willy's birth by over a century and a half,* which is a fair amount of time for a language to evolve. Hence, Chaucer uses phrases like this random selection:
Whan that this worthy duk, this Theseus,
Hath Creon slayn, and wonne Thebes thus,
Stille in that feeld he took al night his reste,
And dide with al the contree as him leste.
Yeah. Whatever you say, Geoffrey!

So, basically what I'm saying is that when faced with the task of making sense of this crap, a modern reader is likely to shit his or her pants. I didn't want to shit my pants, so I stuck with the modern translations supplied on the opposite pages, like so:
When this valiant Duke Theseus
had killed Creon and thus won Thebes,
he took his rest all night upon that same field
and dealt with all the country as he wished.
A bit stiff and probably doesn't really do justice to the purported beauty of the original language, but at least my trousers are clean. Thank you, Bantam Classics!

Chaucer mentions, I think, 30 characters in the prologue, each of whom is supposed to tell four stories over the course of their pilgrimage. So, unless Chaucer was planning some kind of unexpected plot twist - like, say, the pardoner getting plastered and murdering the rest of the party in a drunken rage - we pretty much assume that he intended the work the contain 120 tales in all. However, he fooled us with the most surprising plot twist of all: he died, leaving behind only 26, some of them unfinished. Good one Chaucer; I never saw that one coming!

However, the edition I happen to possess contains only nine stories. That's if you include the prologue as a story, which you probably shouldn't. Where the remaining stories are goes unexplained, save a few vague references to other tales in the introduction followed only by the needlessly cryptic parenthetical citation, "(not included here)."

So, when I say, "I read it," what I really mean is, "I read a bastardized translation of sections of what is, after all, an incomplete work, anyway."

So, now I come to the point. When my high school literature class came to The Canterbury Tales, we were pretty much taught only about "The Knight's Tale." And this seems to be the way it goes. Whenever students are taught Chaucer, it's always the fucking Knight's Tale, the most boring fucking story in the whole fucking book. And teachers get pissed when students fall asleep. Look, teachers, there's a very simple solution to your students-falling-asleep problem: Stop teaching them about the fucking Knight's Tale. If you really want to get your students to care about Chaucer, you'll teach them "The Miller's Tale."

No, seriously, check it out. "The Miller's Tale" is fucking awesome, ya'll. This clerk starts fucking the wife of a carpenter (who, due to various shenanigans ends up sleeping in a bathtub suspended from the ceiling of a barn because he thinks God is going to flood the world, again) when this other dude - who isn't fucking the carpenter's wife, but wishes he could - starts yelling in the window about how much he wants to make out with her. So, she "... stuck her hole out the window, and Absalom fared neither better or worse than with his mouth to kiss her naked arse ..."

"He started back and thought that something was wrong, for he well knew that a woman doesn't have a beard ..."

It's sex comedy at its Medieval best! But, wait! It doesn't stop, there!

When this dude, Absalom, realizes that he just frenched a chick's anus, he storms off, only to return with a red-hot poker. When he calls back inside, the clerk (who's been fuckin' the carpenter's wife, remember) decides to make the dude kiss his ass, this time. Before the poker "... struck Nicholas in the middle of his arse ..." the clerk farts in Absalom's face. Really. Chaucer even spells fart the same way we do, check it out: "This Nicholas anon leet flee a fart, As greet as it had been a thonder-dent ..."

Amazing to me that the one word that hasn't changed in six-hundred years is fart. I guess they pretty much hit the nail right on the head with that one so that no further evolution was necessary.

But, anyway, I think you'll agree that teenagers would much rather read this than the boring old Knight's Tale.

But even if you don't like that one, there's always "The Wife of Bath's Tale," which is preceeded by a lengthy introduction by the Wife of Bath about how many husbands she's had and how much she likes to fuck. (Sadly, Chaucer never uses the word "fuck." I assume it wouldn't be perfected until centuries later.) Her actual story culminates when a knight finds himself forced to marry an ugly person. Everyone knows this situation is pure comedy gold.

Still not convinced? Then perhaps you should check out "The Merchant's Tale," in which a would-be adulterer is unable to screw his boss' more-than-willing wife on account of the husband - despite being blind as the proverbial bat - is never far enough away from the wife for any extramarital activities to be engaged in. So, they sneak up this tree, see, and start going at it. So, then, Pluto (a.k.a. The Roman Hades) suddenly gives the husband his sight back. The wife attempts to explain her actions by saying she'd heard a good cure for blindness was to "struggle with a man in a tree."

"'Struggle!' said he, 'yes, but it went in! ... He plumbed you - I saw it with my eyes ...'"

And, if you're an uptight prude, even the less sexually explicit stories are far more engaging than the fucking Knight's Tale.

So, my message to teachers is this: unless you hope to actively discourage your students from enjoying Medieval literature, please just knock it off with "The Knight's Tale," already, dammit.

*I just looked that up. I didn't really know.

Because everybody likes random quotes

2006-08-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

"Ni!"

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

"I am not left-handed."

"Well, they can't prove whose vomit it was."

"They're gonna have think up a bunch of new adjectives when I get back."

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"It is very cold ... In space."

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

"Guns, guns, guns."

"Your mother ate my dog!"

"Oh, we got both kinds, we got country and western."

"Hey, whitey, where's your hat?"

"Run, runner!"

"Somebody piss on the floor, again?"

"Well, you did say, 'Jehovah.'"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

"Forty-two!"

"Leak? Hell no, these things were made by the US Army Corps of Engineers."

"Son, you got a panty on your head."

"Don't knock it. It's got its own key."

"Thirty-seven!"

"Make like a tree and get outta here."

"Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you."

"Care for a little necrophilia?"

"That kid is back on the escalator, again!"

"Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was this big?"

"I am serious! And don't call me Shirley."

"Dude! What the fuck is wrong with German people?!"

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid it's worse than we thought ... This is a cherry tomato."

"Pay five bucks to see the dancing freak!"

"I call the big one Bitey."

If you can recognize them all without resorting to Google,
Congratulations, ya' big ol' geek!

Great Moments in Gaming Realism: NARC

2006-08-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

Gamers old enough to remember the late 80's arcade scene will no doubt remember a game called NARC (I mean, of course, the arcade original, not the purportedly shitty sequel that came out more recently). Gameplay aside, NARC is memorable for both its strong anti-drug message and its gritty authenticity. In a time when platformers ruled the market, NARC helped pave the way for the darker, more realistic games of today.

Right from the start, the game hits you with its absolute dedication to realism when your character - a gritty, realistic cop in a bright blue jumpsuit and motorcycle helmet - enters the first stage, leaping high into the air from behind the wheel of his moving sports car for no particular reason. A second player can join in at any time to control the other character: a gritty, realistic cop in a bright red jumpsuit and motorcycle helmet. These two jumpsuited lawmen go by the supremely badass names of Hit Man and Max Force. Their parents must have been awesome.

The gameplay must clearly have been inspired by actual police testimonials, since it consists mostly of walking to the right and gunning down wave after wave of mostly identical crack addicts, who wander the otherwise deserted streets for the sole purpose of shooting at you. Just like real life. You can then take their dropped cash and cocaine baggies as evidence. Though you can arrest the crackheads for bonus points, it's not generally worth it, since there's nothing to prevent your gallant public servant from firing blindly into their midst.

As the player progresses through the game, he goes on to face down guard dogs and heroin addicts who toss giant needles at you. You also get to drive a Porsche with gun turrets down a freeway with hordes of drug users, absolutely zero traffic, and rows of dumpsters placed directly across the road for the sole purpose of exploding your vehicle. Also just like real life.

NARC also features a stage where you shoot dope-smoking Rambo clones in front of what appears to be a hippie mini-mall and a level where hookers - who say "ooh" and give extra points when you touch them - are carried off by PCP-using clowns. No, really, this was a real game. Your goal is to protect as many of the hookers as you can to receive an "Innocent Bonus" at the end of the stage. Or you can just shoot them all like I do, which carries no consequences, you just don't get the bonus points. Just like real life, again.

There's also a level where you collect marijuana plants for a "Ganja Bonus." Some of them hide bombs and blow up when you touch them. Honestly, this really was a real game.

Then, the gritty realism peaks as the two jumpsuited police officers, completely on their own, raid the headquarters of the drug kingpin Mr. Big, who is, of course, overweight and in a wheelchair. But he wears a white suit and dark sunglasses, so you know he's evil. After killing him, however, the player goes on to face the real boss, the giant, robotic head of Mr. Big, which metamorphosises into a skull after taking damage and proceeds to spit tongues at you and shoot you with eye lasers. Which I'm sure probably happens more often in real life than the liberal media would have us believe.

... I swear to God, this was a real game.

Speed Transacting World Record

2006-07-27T18:08:00.000-05:00

A while back, I decided to create my own sport, Speed Transacting, the goal of which is to make an ATM transaction in the shortest time possible. I've now managed to make a transaction in 35 seconds. I don't know if this is actually a world record, but, for all I know, it could be.

Out of Context Headlines: Episode X

2006-07-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

2 Americans, Dozens of Iraqis Killed: In a typical show of diva-ism, the two American victims reportedly refused to take part in the killing unless they were given top billing.

Woodpecker Halts Ark. Irrigation Project: When confronted on the issue, the woodpecker replied simply, "Hah, hahaha. Hah, hahaha. Hah, hahaha, hah, hah!"

Seattle Trying New Device for Goose Poop: Much to world's chagrin, Seattle insists on perfecting the device as an alternative source of goose poop without all the bother and annoyance of actual geese.

Man in Chicken Suit Cries Foul Over Abuse: Man vows to continue fight for tolerance and acceptance of men in chicken suits the world over.

White House moves to confirm Bolton to UN post: "Michael Bolton's got a busy a schedule," says White House, "but we feel confident we can work something out."

American Mom, Her Lebanese Baby Evacuated: Bush expresses disapproval over parents who insist on raising gay and lebanese babies.

Police name man stabbed to death: Says the officer in charge, "For simplicity's sake, we decided to name him Lester. It really saved us a lot of time over finding out his real name. As this catches on, I think we'll start to see a lot more investigations arbitrarily naming victims."

Rugby: All Blacks crush S Africa: Wait a minute ... Is there really a rugby team named the All Blacks that's whoopin' South Africa's ass? Holy shit, I've got to start watching rugby. It sounds a lot more allegorical and less politically correct than stupid football.

The sport they call human cockfighting: Now this I gotta see ...

Mexican legislators consider immigration bill: Nothing witty here. This is just ironic.

Dog-cooking, tree-taking school-burner may lose job: I just like the word "may," here. He may lose his job, but the dog-cooking, tree-taking, school-burning dude could get off scot-free. You never can tell.

me-ow!

2006-07-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

This blog has no mission, no purpose, no real thematically connective concept to hold it all together. No real point, really. It's just a bunch of stuff I wrote [to paraphrase "The Simpsons"]. However, through no careful planning on my part, the blog has basically come to feature a natural balance of satire, social commentary, and outright silliness. It's in this spirit that, after my four-part series on the relative merits of a flag-burning amendment, I must now show you this picture of a kitten having sex with a rhinoceros.

*Legal Junk: This abomination was gimped together through two flickr images to be found here and here, respectively. Images copyright their original owners and all that crap.

The Flag-Burning Season Finale and Even More Page Layout Crap

2006-07-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

Last night, The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA came to its heartfelt, highly emotional climax (okay, not that emotional, but still) with Part Four: A Conservative Dude and a Liberal Dude Duke it Out. This is the last in the flag-burning mini-series unless I change my mind.

In other news, this run of four related posts means I now have, gasp, a second piece of junk for the category selector in my sidebar. Which also means I had to work at the code a bit. Unfortunately, my coding skills are a bit limited, rusty, and do not really include JavaScript or CSS - both of which I ended up making use of. However, I did, ahem, borrow fairly liberally from a couple of sources and was able to come up with something I liked. So, if you're so inclined, feel free to check out The Ringing the Otter Category Selector: Now with Two Categories!

The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA Part Four: A Conservative Dude and a Liberal Dude Duke it Out

2006-07-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

Liberal Dude: Personally, I think the flag-burning amendment is nonsense. Freedom of speech ...

Conservative Dude: Freedom of speech! Come on! Are you saying you like flag-burning!?

Liberal Dude: Er ... No ... Not as such ...

Conservative Dude: It just ... It really chaps my hide to hear people say we don't need the flag-burning amendment. That flag is the symbol of our country. Our soldiers died for that flag.

Liberal Dude: Well, you know, Conservative Dude, you're right about one thing ...

Conservative Dude: Amongst others.

Liberal Dude: The flag is a symbol. But that's all it is.

Conservative Dude: You, sir, are a disrespectful, little ...

Liberal Dude: Now, now, hear me out.

Conservative Dude: That flag is our heritage!

Liberal Dude: Okay, sounding like a Confederate flag supporter.

Conservative Dude: I, in no way, support the Confederacy. They divided this country up. They turned their backs on our flag.

Liberal Dude: Well, they turned their backs on the country. The flag more or less just happened to be standing there. See, the flag - as you pointed out - is just a symbol. It only means what you think it does.

Conservative Dude: You a commie, boy?

Liberal Dude: I'm American, sir. I just happen to place more importance on the country itself and the ideals it stands for than I do on a piece of cloth. The flag is just a convenient thing that we can look at to remind ourselves of why America's so awesome in the first place. The thing about symbols is that they only mean anything because you think they do.

Conservative Dude: It's an important piece of our history. It deserves to be treated with respect.

Liberal Dude: The bald eagle is another such symbol.

Conservative Dude: It's illegal to kill a bald eagle.

Liberal Dude: Yes, it's illegal to kill a bald eagle. They're an endangered species. It's illegal to kill an endangered species. I wonder what would happen if there were more of them.

Conservative Dude: The eagle represents America. We respect America.

Liberal Dude: But say the population of eagles suddenly skyrocketed to the point that they actually became a pest.

Conservative Dude: You're just being silly, now.

Liberal Dude: Well, this blog is predisposed towards that sort of thing. Still, I think it's a valid point. If Benjamin Franklin had his way, our national bird would be the turkey. I wonder how our Thanksgivings would have gone, then.

Conservative Dude: That's different. Turkeys are tasty.

Liberal Dude: Now, who's being silly?

Conservative Dude: Sorry. I got wrapped up in all the otter-ringing hilarity.

Liberal Dude: Anyway, the important things in the equation are the ideals that this piece of cloth is meant to represent, of which freedom of speech is certainly one of the chief ones.

Conservative Dude: You can't just hide behind freedom of speech all the time. What about a flag in a museum. A two-hundred-year-old flag with great historical significance.

Liberal Dude: Well, that's certainly bad, but ...

Conservative Dude: It's the same thing. Any other flag you find lying around stands for the same ideas. Burning one is no different than snatching a piece of history out of a museum and torching it on the sidewalk.

Liberal Dude: Actually it is different ...

Conservative Dude: It is the same thing.

Liberal Dude: What you're describing is vandalism, theft, destruction of public property, and most likely breaking and entering. We have laws against that shit.

Conservative Dude: Burning the flag ...

Liberal Dude: Doesn't really hurt anyone. A ten-dollar flag you buy at the drug store is your property to do with as you will.

Conservative Dude: It represents America.

Liberal Dude: And America represents freedom.

Conservative Dude: Here comes the freedom of speech thing, again. Tell me, do you liberals really like to cuss all that much?

Liberal Dude: Well ... Some of us do. But, sometimes, we forget just what makes freedom of speech so fucking important.

Conservative Dude: It isn't just so you can say fuck all the time, I can fucking well tell you that.

Liberal Dude: For once, you're fucking right. That's just a side benefit. No, the importance of the freedom of speech is that it lets us criticize America.

Conservative Dude: You treasonous bastard.

Liberal Dude: Getting silly again?

Conservative Dude: Sorry. The otter thing's rubbing off on me.

Liberal Dude: Well, the colonists were stuck under an oppressive British government* they were only able to change by resorting to violence. The freedom of speech gives us another way to deal with governments gone bad. It gives us the right to say that there's a problem and, thus, to invoke change.

Conservative Dude: You know, I've got nothing against that. Yay, free speech, and all that. Let the hippies complain all they want. But it's not as if there aren't other outlets. There are plenty of ways to make yourself heard without desecrating a cherished symbol.

Liberal Dude: You know, you don't have to go to the toilet. There are plenty of other ways to get rid of that crap.

Conservative Dude: Fuck you.

Liberal Dude: Sorry. But the point is that the act of actually incinerating a flag isn't really what's at stake, here. Burning is, after all, the proper and respectful way of disposing of a flag. Better than rotting in a landfill, I guess, but my point is that it's the intention behind the burning that the amendment really seeks to go after. Burning a flag in a respectful manner wouldn't be touched. Burning the flag because you don't like it would be prosecuted. This isn't a law against burning. This is a law against an opinion.

Conservative Dude: And there are plenty of other ways to express that opinion.

Liberal Dude: I say we outlaw your right to say how awesome you think Bush is. From now on, you can only write it or say it in pantomime.

Conservative Dude: Fuck you.

Liberal Dude: And I've already made my point on symbolism. There are hundreds of symbols for all different religions, political affiliations, and local book clubs. You can't pass a law to force everyone else to respect your particular one.

Conservative Dude: I still say the flag should be respected.

Liberal Dude: Of course, you do. Your opinion is already made, as is mine. It's not like either of us is going to suddenly convince the other that their belief system is wrong.

Conservative Dude: So why do we go to all this trouble, then.

Liberal Dude: Someone has to try.

Conservative Dude: You democrats are all the same.

Liberal Dude: I'm not a democrat.

Conservative Dude: No? What are you?

Liberal Dude: I don't know. Libertarian or some shit, maybe. Or independent, more like. I don't really consider myself part of any group in particular.

Conservative Dude: Ah. Well, just so you know, I'm not actually republican, either.

Liberal Dude: No?

Conservative Dude: No. I'm actually Satan.

Liberal Dude: You're joking.

Conservative Dude: Sorry. The writer couldn't resist. He figured if nobody's opinion was going to change, the least he could do was have some fun with it.

*They're much better now, though. Dudes, your queen ROCKS.

The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA Part Three: The Alternate Ending of Easy Rider

2006-07-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

... And then the TRUCK slowly turns around as PETER FONDA drives his motorcycle away to find help for his fallen friend. As he passes the truck, the REDNECK in the passenger seat leans out and fires his shotgun. PETER FONDA's bike crashes in a fiery explosion.

~~ZOOM OUT AND ROLL CREDITS~~

NO ... ON SECOND THOUGHT ...

Cut to PETER FONDA crawling from the burning wreckage. He screams in agony, but is drowned out by the sound of an approaching siren. Seconds later, a POLICE CAR pulls up and two OFFICERS get out.

OFFICER 2

Hello, there ... What's all this, then?

OFFICER 1

(to OFFICER 2)

Don't be a cliche.

OFFICER 2

Sorry. Force of habit.

OFFICER 1

(to PETER FONDA)

You feelin' lucky, punk?

PETER FONDA

Hey ... Man ... Like, this redneck in a truck just shot at me ... Hey! We need to, like, go back up the road and find DENNIS HOPPER. He's hurt somethin' awful.

OFFICER 1

We'll do the talkin', hippie. Is this your bike?

PETER FONDA

...

OFFICER 1

Don't jerk me around, love-in boy.

PETER FONDA

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I thought you said you'd do all the talkin'. My bad.

OFFICER 1

Well?

PETER FONDA

Well, yes, dude, this does happen to be my motorcycle, as evidenced by the fact that I'm currently struggling free of the charred wreckage, if you'd please be so kind as to drive me to a hospital, I think I might have broken some ribs and my shoulder definitely contains a good deal more buckshot than I normally like.

OFFICER 2

See there, I knew it ... Dirty hippie.

OFFICER 1

What do you have to say for yourself, hippie?

PETER FONDA

Say for myself? Look, dude I just got shot the hell off the road by some stupid, fucking REDNECK in a PICKUP TRUCK. What do you think I have to say for myself, huh: OUCH!

OFFICER 2

The paint job, hippie. I assume you are familiar with it.

PETER FONDA

You mean the flag finish. Yeah, it's pretty badass an' all. I'm kinda patriotic. Y'know, my arm hurts pretty bad ...

OFFICER 1

Peter Fonda, you're hereby under arrest.

PETER FONDA

Hey, like ... What, man?

OFFICER 2

Look, Peter Fonda. When I look at this motorcycle, I don't see a flaming, horrible wreck. I see a flag. I see a flag on the side of the road burning.

OFFICER 1

And when we see flags on the side of the road burning, well mister, we pull over and arrest the sons of bitches responsible.

PETER FONDA

Hey, man, I already told you. Some redneck drove by and shot at me. It hurt like hell.

OFFICER 2

Yeah. Like we haven't heard that one, before. That's the oldest story in the book.

OFFICER 1

Right up there with "my speedometer's busted," "that guy stole my dog," or "we'll shoot the hostage if you don't send in a cheese sandwich."

OFFICER 2

Well, that last one's true every now and then.

OFFICER 1

Oh, yuh, right. I forgot about that, thanks. But the simple fact, Peter Fonda is that you ...

PETER FONDA

Hey ... Man ...

OFFICER 1

The simple fact, Peter Fonda, is that you are currently sitting idly by while the beloved symbol of OUR GREAT NATION burns.

OFFICER 2

You monster.

OFFICER 1

And, responsible or not, you haven't so much as lifted a finger to put it out.

PETER FONDA

Oh, shit, man, I think my arm just burned off.

OFFICER 2

Hey, wait a minute, hippie ... Is that another flag on the back of your burning jacket!?

OFFICER 1

(sigh) You just don't know when to quit, do you?

PETER FONDA

Agh! Oh God!

OFFICER 1

Now, Mr. Fonda, are you coming peacefully, or are we going to have to beat the shit out of you?

Silence follows.

OFFICER 1

Well, I hope you know you've brought this on yourself.

OFFICER 1 nods in OFFICER 2's direction. OFFICER 2 proceeds to give PETER FONDA a good kick in the head. This provokes no reaction.

OFFICER 2

'Ere ... I think he's just died, Officer 1.

OFFICER 1

... Shit ... Bloody, justice-dodging bastard ...

OFFICER 2

Maybe we can just kick 'im a little more, anyway?

OFFICER 1

... Yeah, alright.

OFFICER 2 proceeds to kick PETER FONDA some more.

OFFICER 2

Eh, it's just not the same.

OFFICER 1

Didn't he say something about having a friend up the road?

OFFICER 2

I think I smell an accomplice.

OFFICER 1

Let's go, Officer 2. Let's go.

ROLL CREDITS

Intermission

2006-07-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA continues below with Part Two: AmericaSucks.com. I expect I'll get at least two more entries out of this at some point over the next few days, but for now, I just wanted to point out that I had a couple of afterthoughts regarding the images in Part One, which I went back and incorporated into the original post. For one thing, the floor mat now actually reads "Welcome," which just seemed funnier for no particular reason. More importantly the final product in the series was originally "not pictured". Not so, anymore, so even if you've already read it, it's probably worth taking the extra second to scroll down and have another look.

And if you think that's in poor taste, please keep in mind that I did at least resist the rather obvious urge to add toilet paper to the bunch.

The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA Part Two: AmericaSucks.com

2006-07-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

Greetings, fellow seditionists. If you're anything like us here at AmericaSucks.com, you've been avidly following news on the latest attempts at passing the long-dreaded flag-burning amendment. Apparently, the House of Representatives doesn't like it when you set fire to that stupid, fucking thing. Luckily, the amendment failed to pass the Senate. However, it failed by only a single vote. We here find this highly disturbing. Our fear, naturally, is that if the amendment came this close, then it's really only a matter of time. This is quite the conundrum for the avid US hater who wishes to express his/her intense dissatisfaction in this blighted country.

Luckily, we've come up with a solution. Starting now, for $29.95, you can pre-order your very own AmericaSucks.com mock flag. Our mock flags, manufactured of only the highest quality flammable materials, have all of the recognizable traits of our despised nation's dumbass symbol, but reorganized to avoid prosecution. Note that our flag has stripes in the upper corner and stars in the center. Note also the use of the color green to further differentiate this model from a the real thing. Also, our flag is a hexagon, just to remove all doubt. And to make absolutely certain that any gathering crowds know exactly what your feelings are, the mock flag is emblazoned with the phrase "I hate America" and the image of a finger demonstrating the universal sign language for "Fuck you, asshole."

However, just to make sure that any annoyed police officers have no questions as to the legality of your proceedings, the reverse side makes it abundantly clear to any semi-literate person that this is not a real flag and, therefore, burning it is in no way an arrestable offense.

It's fuckin' SWEET!

Now, you can finally express your hatred of your nation whilst still obeying it's stupid-ass laws.

Unite, brothers, and order the AmericaSucks.com Mock Flag now for only $29.95 plus shipping and handling. Operators are standing by. The first hundred orders will also receive a free box of matches with the phrase "Down with the Great Satan (i.e. The US. It really bites.)"

The Ringing the Otter Flag-Burning EXTRAVAGANZA Part One: Patriot Products, Inc.

2006-07-12T00:09:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the latest Patriot Products, Inc. catalog, the ultimate source of US merchandise* for the discerning America-Lover. In response to the Senate's recent shootdown of the long-awaited flag-burning amendment, Patriot Products, Inc. has introduced several new patriotic products for the new season. We think you'll like them.

Firstly, we present an old classic available through our catalog service for the first time: The US Flag Handkerchief! Because nobody cleans up like the US! After many years on the market, The US Flag Handkerchief still remains the single most patriotic way to wipe up stray bogeys or adorify your dirty, smelly dog! No, you just can't go wrong with an official US Flag Handkerchief.

Have you ever wished you could find a way to demonstrate your love of your country to everyone who visits your home. In addition to the thirty-foot flag painted on your vinyl siding, of course. Well, now you can, with our BRAND NEW United States Doormat! Now, everyone will know right away just how you feel about your flag. Never before has cleaning your feet been so American. Combining both your appreciation of country and clean floors, this item is sure to be appreciated by everyone who uses her!

America's Condom. Go ahead, you can say it: U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!

*Note: US merchandise may be made in China.

Billie Jean is not my Lover

2006-07-07T23:22:00.000-05:00

For your amusement, I present this photograph of Little Arthbard*:

*I'm the dork on the left.

The SIX (and counting) Greatest Song Titles of All Time

2006-07-06T00:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Planet Motherfucker - White Zombie
Suck My Kiss - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fuck Her Gently - Tenacious D
Electric Spanking of War Babies - Funkadelic
Standing on the Verge of Getting It On - Funkadelic
Stukas Over Disneyland - The Dickies

Welcoming additional submissions.

Happy Fifth of July, People!

2006-07-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very happy Fifth of July. I sincerely hope you've enjoyed this special day, but there are also some important Fifth of July safety tips you should all remember to keep in mind. First off, you see ...

... What?

... Uh-huh ...

Yeah, well, I celebrate the Fifth of July.

Anyway, when drinking beer through a funnel, you should always be sure to wear a bib so as to not stain your shirt, and ...

Excuse me ...? Well, why not celebrate the Fifth of July. One day's as good as the other, right?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, when you're reckless driving and a fellow motorist flashes his headlights at you, the proper course of action is to slow down, not to give him the finger. This is rude. He's probably warning you about the filthy cops ahead, so ...

... Yeah, well my day has better traffic ... Do you mind? I'm trying to write a Fifth of July guide, here ...

The cops also don't like it when you aim your fireworks at people, so make sure the first bottle rocket goes straight at his eye. Then, he won't be able to catch ...

Inde-what day ...? Independence ...? What are you talking about, I ...?

... Huh ... You don't say ...

You mean, the Fourth of July is actually celebrating something!?

Well, I'll be damned. Are you sure about that? You are ...?

Well, if it's Independence Day, then why don't they just call it Independence Day? I mean, "Fourth of July" could be anything, right? Next, I guess you'll be telling me that Cinco de Mayo is also celebrating something ...

... Cinco de Mayo is Independence Day, too? Okay, now you're just talking crazy. That doesn't make any sense ... Mexican Independence, you say? Yeah, right ... Seriously? Well ... I guess that would explain why it's in Spanish. I always assumed that was just some kind of stylistic thing ...

So, your fireworks ...

Well, look, calling Independence Day "The Fourth of July" is still kind of stupid. People don't buy presents for "The Twenty-Fifth of December" or hide eggs for "The Sunday following the First Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox." Okay, doesn't really roll off the tongue, but you see my point?

Anyway, The Fifth of July is nevertheless a very important date in our national history, and I say we all give it the recognition it deserves ...

It is ... I'm getting to that ... Don't interrupt ...

Hangover Day. The Fifth of July is Hangover Day, when we all recognize the awful fucking headaches our founding fathers suffered after the wildest party of 1776, held in celebration of giving Great Britain the fucking finger in the biggest fucking way possible.

There. You can't argue with that, now, can you, motherfucker?

That's what I thought.

Back in Yellow

2006-07-03T14:49:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty much MIA, lately. Nothing personal, mind you, I've just been occupied with other things for the past week or so, but here I am. In lieu of anything in particular to post about, I leave you with a quote from an article on Hollywood's struggle to improve ticket sales:

"... but I do think that everyone puts forth their best effort and takes notice of these things, and absolutely more than ever is committed to making better movies, better stories," said Rory Bruer, head of distribution at Sony, which released "The Da Vinci Code."

Maybe it's my imagination, but that "which released 'The Da Vinci Code'" sounds like a sarcastic jab to me.

Oops ...

2006-06-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

I used to be a pretty big fan of The Brunching Shuttlecocks. Unfortunately the site's been more or less closed for business for a few years, now, but the archives are still up and a good way to keep yourself entertained for a while if you're not already familiar with the material. If you do go browsing through them, you will find (amongst other things) a series of ratings in which one of the site's founders - a fellow by the name of Lore Sjoberg - assigns ratings to a group of related items, accompanied by generally humorous commentary. (Incidentally, after Brunching, this feature lived on for a while as The Book of Ratings.)

I bring this up now because, back in April, I wrote an entry in which I discussed the various aspects of my cheap, imitation Swiss Army knife. That particular entry came about after I picked the damn knife up one day and started cracking jokes to a friend about how useless a lot of the features were. After writing it down, I sort of realized that the format was pretty similar to that of Lore's Ratings. It wasn't until today, though, browsing through the old Brunching archives, that I realized that not only was it similar in format, but that Lore had actually done a Rating specifically about Swiss Army Knife Items. Both my article and Lore's make mention of survivalist wine drinking, cutting coupons in the woods, and the hygienity of plastic toothpicks. I don't remember having read this particular article before (though my memory could be playing tricks on me), so I figure it's just coincidence. When looking at a reusable, plastic toothpick that you carry around in your pocket, I guess it's not that big of a leap to start thinking, you know, that's kind of gross.

Still, you can read both, if you like, and decide for yourself whether or not I'm a dirty plagiarizer.

More Minor Updates

2006-06-24T12:01:00.000-05:00

Some more minor template changes, today. The link in the categories bit of the sidebar has been replaced with a drop-down menu partly for functionality's sake, but primarily because SafeTinspector offered to whip up some code, and I'm not generally one to turn down free work. He could have offered to build a dirty, smelly chicken coop outside my window and I probably would have said go ahead. Though, in the end, he didn't actually have to do anything, because I just sort of snuck by and nicked the code while he wasn't looking. With that in mind, I say SafeT owes me a chicken coop.

Of course, right now the box is only for Out of Context Headlines. I'll have to fiddle it around a bit as soon as I figure out some more categories to shove in it.

And if you don't give a crap about all this page layout crap and think I should get on with the crappin' entertainment, already, I urge you to scroll down to the last post, in which I interview Headline Man.

Just what the hell is it with my headline fascination, anyway?

An Interview with Headline Man!

2006-06-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

Some people read the newspaper and wonder who comes up with all of those wonderful headlines. Today, we finally answer that age-old question, as Ringing the Otter sits down with the source, himself: Headline Man!

Ringing the Otter: Good afternoon, Headline Man.

Headline Man: Local man returns greeting.

RtO: I'm sure there's a lot our readers would like to know, so let's start out with when you discovered you were so good at conjuring up these attention-grabbing story headings.

HM: Boy finds gift at young age when stricken with debilitating speech impediment. Rare disease restricts use of verbs and adjectives, use of pronouns and articles prevented completely!

RtO: And how rare is this disease?

HM: 1 in 5,000 billion suffers!

RtO: And how did this affect you growing up?

HM: Classmates mock poor grammar skills, demand fellow student learn past tense. Bullies give thrashing after vocabulary test when Headline Boy unable to spell word between "2001" and "Space Odyssey."

RtO: ... You mean "a"?

HM: Interviewer guesses correctly.

RtO: But things are better now, I take it.

HM: Headline Man turns misfortune to benefit, makes lemons into lemonade, turns frown upside-down.

RtO: How do you respond to those who say the popularity of your pared-down, basics-only statements is negatively impacting on the grammar skills of the nation's children.

HM: Finger given to insensitive pricks. "Fuck the lot of 'em," declares angered writer, suggests they see how fun growing up with most humiliating fucking speech impediment ever is.

RtO: I couldn't help noticing you used the article "the," there.

HM: Article only pronounceable as part of direct quote.

RtO: Oh, I see.

HM: Man's condition most saddening.

RtO: And what are your plans for the future.

HM: Headline Man currently involved in writing autobiography.

RtO: Really??

HM: If one headline found engrossing, reasons publisher, imagine whole book.

RtO: Well, it's been a pleasure having you here, today, Headline Man.

HM: Compliment gracefully returned.

RtO: Readers further interested in the art of headlines can always find out more.

HM: Fascinating Life of Beloved Public Figure due out February.

RtO: Don't forget to tune in next time, when we'll likely be doing some other silly thing you'd be embarrassed to read in public.

HM: Preorders available.

Can't We All Get Along?

2006-06-20T20:16:00.000-05:00

I don't like prejudice very much. I think it's pretty stupid judging someone on their skin or hair or eye color. I just don't like all this hate. In fact, I hate it. But, what really fascinates me is just how much the groups that hate each other the most actually have in common.

Case in point; Rednecks and Gangsta Rappers:

Partake in a manner of speech completely indecipherable to the untrained ear,
Are extremely interested in the right to bear arms,
Are wont to manufacture illicit consumables in their backyards,
Dislike police officers immensely,
Are disrespectful to women,
Complain about the government, but
Don't vote,
Thank Jesus a lot, for some reason,
Have difficulty counting this high, and
Probably don't think this is very funny. I'm sorry, Please don't shoot me!

Weekend Updates: Tampering with my Template

2006-06-18T18:33:00.000-05:00

I made some minor alterations to my blog template, yesterday. If you've been by since then, you may have noticed. If not, I'll tell you about it, here. The most prominent thing is the comments. Now, clicking on "read existing comments" will open comments below any particular entry if you feel like reading but not actually responding. Of course, clicking on "post comments" still opens up the good, old-fashioned comment window as per usual.

On a less functionality-related note, the description under the Ringing the Otter logo is now completely random. The old phrase, "Throw the Hoop, Win a Prize," is still there, as are the quotes from the slogan-generator, as well as a good smattering of other junk from the top of my head. But, which one you get to see is now entirely dependent on the mood of your PC's random number generator. I won't list them all here, but if you're feeling intrepid and easily entertained, you can refresh the page to try and find them all. Or, there's a simple, quick-and-easy method, you might find, but I'll leave that to you to figure out.

Lastly, you'll find that the previous post isn't actually a real post, per se. Essentially, I'm going to use it as an archive page to catalog the various Out-of-Context Headlines episodes. I'm linking to this from the sidebar, to provide quick and easy access. Since I've made this something of a recurring bit, I thought it would be a good idea to link them all from a common source. Initially, I'd planned to change the date on the page to bury it in the backlog, seeing as it's not really a real entry. But, then I thought, eh, I'd just leave it where it is and mention it, here.

And, since I don't actually have anything entertaining to say at the moment, this'll have to do until later.

Out of Context Headlines: An Archive

2006-06-18T16:48:00.000-05:00

An Explanation, if Necessary:

The idea behind this little, recurring bit of mine is probably obvious enough to figure out, but if not, basically, the idea is just to find some real-life headlines that are kind of funny when taken out of context. Or at least that was the original idea, back when I tossed off what I called an "out of context MSN headline" back in a post titled Assorted Random Junk. And, I suppose it's still the basic premise, though now I tend to grab headlines that aren't actually particularly amusing on their own and use my included commentary in an attempt to make them that way. And, of course, I will occasionally toss out something along with a joke that isn't taken particularly out of context but I just happened to find funny at the time.

Episode IX
Episode VIII
Episode VII
Episode VI
Episode V
Episode IV
Episode III
Episode II
Episode I

Out of Context Headlines: Episode IX

2006-06-15T21:20:00.000-05:00

Foundation Says Gates, Wife Involved: Gates denied the scandal, claiming that evidence of any "involvement" with his wife is mere speculation and not supported by fact.

Bush signs $94.5 bln war, hurricane funding bill: "I expect the nation to embrace this historic bill as a great leap forward in worldwide destruction," Bush says of the bill to fund wars and hurricanes.

Court: 15-Year Old Girls Can Marry: Woo-HOO!

5 Strange and Wacky Ways to Die: Because, honestly, what could be funnier than another's humiliating demise. It's WACKY!

Tips: Stay Close to Your Kids for Life: a.k.a. How to Smother your Offspring. Tip #51 - Ensuring they never date.

Naked Man Takes 'Risk', Gets Shot At: Serves him right. If God had wanted us to be naked, He would have ... not given us clothes ... or ... that is ... Hmm ... I give up. Religious arguments fail. Everybody get naked!

Discovery crew has practice countdown: "Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Five! ... Dammit! Ten! Sev ... Shit! Nine, eight, seven ... Umm ... Don't tell me ... Four? No ... Hold on, hold on, I'll get it ... "

Ozzie Now Key Microsoft Software Architect: Ozzie's first order of business will be renaming existing software. Excel will henceforth be known as "Spreadsheet of Ozz," and Microsoft Word will now be referred to as "Diary-Writer of a Madman."

KFC sued in US over cooking fats: I ate too much chicken, and now I'm fat! KFC, give me money!

Because Advertisers Are Lazy, Too ...

2006-06-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

... It's The Advertising Slogan Generator! At least as clever as "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!"

I Think, Therefore Ringing the Otter.

I'm Not Gonna Pay A Lot For This Arthbard.

I Guess They Really Like Steve Martin

2006-06-13T20:53:00.000-05:00

Some people in Virginia apparently decided to go on an epic DVD-stealing binge, during which they relieved a number of Wal-Mart stores of more than 270 copies of Cheaper by the Dozen. And, I mean, I know people have different tastes and all, but really ... Cheaper by the Dozen? Despite the best efforts of Hollywood executives, there are actually a lot of good movies out there, and even a lot of very successful bad ones. So, with all of the good films and mega-popular shit, why Cheaper by the Dozen?

In addition to Steve Martin vehicles, the thieves nabbed a bunch of other random junk and 22 copies of Hollow Man 2, to which I can only say ... They made a Hollow Man 2!? Fucking WHY!? I'm actually feeling pretty good about these thieves. I mean, thank God they got those DVD's off store shelves before some poor, unsuspecting movie fan watched them. Seriously, forget the criminals, I say we arrest the son of a bitch who greenlit a sequel to a shitty Verhoeven movie no one saw, anyway.

It's all for YOU, Dear Customer!

2006-06-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

So, for the past month or two, Microsoft's Windows updates have been checking to see if the operating system running on your computer is legal in nature. A lot of people have a lot of opinions on this; many of them, I'm sure, being about what bastards the blokes at the big M are. Personally, my OS is all good and lawful, so it's generally a minor annoyance at worst, though it did get significantly moreso today. The last "Genuine Advantage" whatsit MSoft tried to install on my PC, I opted out of on the grounds that I didn't wanna bother with it. Today, I reversed this stance and went ahead and bent over to let Mr. Gates examine my computer's bits and pieces on the grounds that I couldn't download other, actually useful updates until I let him ram his little legalifier up my hard drive.

I have to admit I was a little peeved when I discovered that the only other update - the one I had to install the "Genuine Advantage Validation Tool" to get at - was, in fact, another Genuine Advantage Validation Tool. But I tried to be a good, little Microsoft whore and install that one, too. Only, the install failed. So, I tried again, and it still failed. So, I thought maybe I needed to reboot after having performed the previous installation, and it still failed.

So, I had to dick around the forums to find a solution, which involved resetting automatic updates by deleting the appropriate folders. But, it didn't work. In fact, I then started to get an error before I even got to see what useless updates were available for me to fail to download. So, I ultimately had to restore everything I'd deleted and dick around in the forums some more before finding out how to download the update manually without the intervention of Microsoft's other software getting in the way.

But, coding is complicated work. Especially when different PC's have completely different hardware and software setups that can lead to compatibility issues. The occasional bug is bound to crop up, so I don't blame Microsoft so much for that (though, admittedly, they do seem to have a hell of a lot of them). I did think it was stupid that the first time I tried to download the problematic update, it made me accept an end-user license agreement. To ... What? Prevent me from making illegal copies of their illegal-copy-finding software?

Off-topic, but people don't read those things. I don't read those things. In fact, they're basically long and complicated enough to encourage people not to read them. Which sucks, seeing as they are, in fact, legally binding. I always get the fear that buried deep in there somewhere is going to be a line saying that I agree to perform orally on Bill Gates should he ever choose to visit my house. And, since I clicked the accept button, it's binding. I'd be legally obligated to give him his blow job.

But, back on topic, the thing that amuses me most about the "Genuine Advantage" junk is the way Microsoft describes it. They word the description to make it sound like all it's for your benefit. The tool "... enables you to verify that your copy of Microsoft Windows is genuine." It "... will help you obtain a licensed copy ..." Yeah, really sounds like they're doing you a big favor with this thing, right? Well, no they're not. They're doing this to ensure that you're spending your money on their software. Which is, y'know, in their legal rights and all, I guess. They don't have to treat us like complete morons, though.

Speak of ... The Devil! ... Again ...

2006-06-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

Well, don't this just beat all? Only the other day was I discussing the current date and its biblical implications as far as the possible emergence of the Antichrist, then what happens, today? Don't answer, that's just a rhetorical question; of course you don't know what happened today. So, I'll tell you: My pregnant cousin went and dropped out a little, eight-pound baby girl on this most unholy of dates.

Of course, the Antichrist is typically held to be a male figure. However, there was a female Antichrist in The Omen IV ... Or ... Maybe it was that her brother was the Antichrist and she ... I don't know. That was a crappy movie; you can't really expect me to remember plot points, can you? The point is that prior artwork exists for evil in a feminine form, so who am I to say it can't be otherwise. Plus, if genetics are any indication, she's going to be a redhead.

So, some lady in England can relax. All available evidence points towards Hell being raised in South Carolina.

When the day comes, I just hope she remembers who her peeps are.

So, anyway, congratulations are in order to all involved. Readers can help themselves to a virtual cigar. Non-smoking readers can make that, say, a virtual Mountain Dew.

It's ... The Devil!

2006-06-04T17:58:00.000-05:00

There's some lady in England who's been trying to get her doctors to induce labor so she can avoid her expected due date of June 6, 2006. This is on the grounds that the date, in its numerical form, is 6/6/06. Which is 666 with a zero thrown in. This is a little silly, but apparently other people have similar concerns over the date.

Let's think logically, here. The "Sign of the Beast" is 666, not 6606 - or 662006, as the full date technically is. Secondly, the counting of years is pretty arbitrary. Nowhere in the Bible does the angel Gabriel come down and say, "This is day zero. Count up from here." Somebody just picked it. I don't know how they chose it. I figure they just drew numbers out of a hat everyday until they came up with zero.

Okay, some monk or other decided that the year 1 AD should coincide with the birth of Jesus, but he got it wrong. It's generally estimated that he missed Christ's birth by about thirty years or so, but I doubt anyone's going to care much when 6/6/2036 comes around. And, anyway, if mankind's arbitrary dating system bothers you, you can just invent your own arbitrary dating system. Make your own child's birth day zero! And in your dating system, you have free reign to skip over all the sixes you want. If elevators can skip over the thirteenth floor, there's no reason you can't go from five to seven.

If there's any reason to be afraid of the date, it's to avoid the stigma of being born on the day The Omen remake comes out. I haven't seen it, of course. It's not actually out, yet. It's just that Hollywood's made a lot of remakes, lately, and the majority of them have been not very good.

However, The Omen does seem like it might be a little bit different from other recent remakes. Because, see, the trend these days is to take the basic idea of the original film and just come up with something otherwise unrelated that just happens to have a famous name to cash in on. When Tim Burton did Planet of the Apes, they called it "re-imagining," but now everybody does it, so they don't call it anything.

In theory, I don't think remaking a movie with a completely different story is necessarily a bad thing. After all, if you're not going to change anything, then what's the point? Just tell everybody to rent the original, and save yourself several million dollars in production costs. On the other hand, since this is the recent trend in remakes - most of which, as I said, are of questionable quality - I can't actually recommend anything.

The difference with The Omen (or at least what I can tell from the trailer) is that it pretty much looks to be exactly the same as the original (right down to "It's all for you, Damien!") only with action movie trailer music.

That may just be the trailer, though.

What interests me most about the remake - and is, in fact, what relates it to the rest of this entry - is the release date, 6/6/6 (Hell, let's just go with it. Who needs the fucking zero, anyway?). I just wonder how far out of their way the filmmakers had to go to get the movie out on that particular date. How much did they have to mangle the shooting schedule? How badly did they have to rush post-production? All for a date.

I imagine a meeting or two may have gone a bit like this somewhere along the line:

Director: We need more time, my artistic vision has not been fully realized.

Producer: No.

Director: But we only have forty-five minutes of usable footage!

Producer: It doesn't matter. We got a KICKASS release date.

Director: Well, maybe we can pad the film with some old Sanford & Son reruns.

Producer: That's fine. People usually walk out after the first thirty minutes, anyway.

Actually, I fully suspect that the date is the only reason they're doing an Omen remake in the first place.

I don't know why all these people are complaining about "gay" marriages. I always thought marriages were supposed to be happy.

2006-06-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

News Flash! President Bush hates gay people! Extra! Extra! Come read all about that shit!

This isn't the first time our compassionate leader has talked about wanting an amendment to "define marriage as a union between a man and a woman," but he's on the topic, again, now with an actual amendment going through Congress to demonstrate to the world just how seriously he takes his own inane ramblings. I haven't really done a good news parody piece in a while, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take real-life quotes! from this article, here. Those are going to be in plain old, boring times. My sarcastic remarks, on the other hand, will be in sleek, beautiful courier.

Which font would you believe, huh?

"Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society," Bush said in his Saturday radio address.

Tell that to Nicole Brown Simpson ... Oh, wait ... You can't.
"Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society."

A guy and a girl who've never met but happen to have a bit too much to drink in Vegas, on the other hand: A-Okay! Sacred like a mother, ya'll!
This November, initiatives banning same-sex marriages are expected to be on the ballot in Idaho, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia and Wisconsin.

In other news, 25% of South Carolina really embarrassed by other 75%.
"On Monday, I will meet with a coalition of community leaders, constitutional scholars, family and civic organizations and religious leaders," Bush said in urging Congress to pass the amendment and send it to the states for ratification. "They're Republicans, Democrats and independents who've come together to support this amendment."

Isn't it beautiful how people of so many different beliefs, walks of life, and political affiliations can all come together in hate of another group ...

Hey! I think I just figured out how we can unify Iraq!
Bush said the amendment would fully protect marriage from being redefined, while leaving state legislatures free to make their own choices in defining legal arrangements other than marriage.

You mean like, say, a civic union of some sort ... Hey! That's actually not such a bad idea. It's like ... We'd have two different institutions ... And they'd be separate but equal! No one could possibly be offended by that suggestion!
Acknowledging that emotions often run hot in this debate, Bush urged calm.

Added Bush, "It's important that people not react negatively when I try to force my own belief system on everybody else."
"As this debate goes forward, we must remember that every American deserves to be treated with tolerance, respect and dignity," he said.

"Except those dirty faggots," he continued. "That's just gross."
"All of us have a duty to conduct this discussion with civility and decency toward one another, and all people deserve to have their voices heard."

"Which is why I get to accuse the media of sedition any time they don't agree with me."
"Unfortunately, activist judges and some local officials have made an aggressive attempt to redefine marriage in recent years," the president said.

Yes, those judges were clearly radical activists. And our president? Why, certainly, no! Not in the LEAST!

I should be in advertising ... Oh, wait, I am.

2006-06-02T21:45:00.000-05:00

Browsing the electronics aisle at Wal-Mart, today, I stumbled upon the most wonderful game. Actually, I've never played it and don't really know what it's about. I think it's a collection of sudoku puzzles and mahjongg. In actuality, it could be a box of old springs and balding pipe cleaners for all I know. But, it did have the most wonderful name. And seeing as how I'd never heard of it, I figured someone should do some kind of marketing for this thing. They can thank me later.

Are you a bored gamer? Looking for a new way to spend your time? Looking to ride the wave of Japanese entertainment fads? Then look no further than

Soaring in at the height of the sudoku craze, Buku Blast will test your head in ways you never thought possible! With millions of puzzles over a wide range of difficulty levels, finding the perfect Buku-challenge has never been such a piece of Buku-cake.

With Buku Mahjongg, Buku Sudoku, and Buku Kakuro, there's something here for everyone. Break it out at a party, and it'll have everyone coming back for more!

Buku Blast! Guaranteed to blast a whole load full of fun ... Right in your face!

Amusing Amusement Park Stories

2006-06-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

About once every summer or two, my cousin drags me off to an amusement park for a day of riding roller coasters in the hot sun and paying way too much for food. Occasionally, the park in question will be Carowinds in Charlotte, NC, but his favorite - and therefore most-visited - is Six Flags over Georgia in, well, Georgia. Atlanta to be precise.

Since he's been talking about going, again - and because I'm too lazy right now to write an actual new post - I've culled the following description of the last such trip from an old journal entry.

Names have been changed to not piss anybody off. I know no one named Morton. I just think it's a funny name

7-6-2004

We arrived early, before the park opened. People were standing around outside, waiting to get in. The park attendants let us in a little bit early, but most of the park was still closed off and we couldn't ride anything, so a large crowd of people hung around waiting to be allowed to move on to the rest of the park. The image I remember most is when everything was finally opened and the huge crowd that had gathered there started wandering forward, everyone in the same direction. It was an image similar to that of a bunch of mindless zombies steadily approaching a farmhouse in Night of the Living Dead. I used to view college students walking to class in a similar way, but this was on a somewhat larger scale.

The other thing I'll mention happened after we left. Too much sun and too many roller coasters aren't good for the tummy. So, when I purchased a beverage at a gas station on the way home, I drank it slowly and carefully. But neither slowly nor carefully enough, it would seem. I sat it aside in the cup-holder when I started to feel slightly queasy. But, soon after, slightly queasy suddenly jumped to very nauseous. It's hard to speak when your lunch is on its way up your throat, so I could only cover my mouth and attempt to instruct Morton to pull over by wildly pointing towards the side of the road. It was too late, though, and I threw up all over myself and the inside of Morton's truck. He then drove around for a while, attempting to locate a store with towels, the vomit meanwhile drying on my clothes, hands, and face. Er ... I guess it's a little late to warn that this is a mildly unpleasant story. But, anyway, he finally just got some paper towels from a gas station, and I attempted to clean myself off as best I could, which wasn't very well.

Morton tried to park in kind of an out-of-the-way spot, I think, but still some bizarre guy ended up approaching us. Imagine, if you like, me covered in vomit, holding a handful of paper towels, trying to wipe as much off of myself as possible and Morton meanwhile trying to clean it out of his truck, when this strange guy walks up to us and - not even acknowledging the former contents of my stomach - starts talking to us about lottery tickets. Oh, we didn't know that's what he was talking about, at least not then. He just walked up and handed me a folded-up wad of paper, saying, "I want you to have this," and proceeded to tell us about how we could win money by playing "that machine," informing us that he'd played the machine and won back the same five dollars he'd played. "Them white boys" had ripped him off, apparently, but you could still win some money. He was quite adamant on that point.

It wasn't until today, when Morton showed me the folded-up lottery tickets that any of this began to make any amount of sense to me. By "that machine," the guy must have been referring to the "quick-pick," where the computer will randomly select your lottery numbers for you. Of course, I still don't know how "them white boys" ripped him off.

Morton sort of feigned interest. You know, like, "Uh-huh ... Wow ... Joey, get in the truck ... Really ... Yeah ..."

So, then, we were headed home, me slightly less covered in vomit but not by much. There's really only so much you can do without soap and water, you know. So, I had to ride all the way back from Atlanta like that.

And, that's the end of the story, I guess.

Speed Transactor, Go!

2006-05-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

A while back, I found myself getting annoyed by people who take their sweet fucking time at the damned ATM machine. How long does it take to get your money out of the damn thing, anyway? So, this annoyance inspired me to start timing myself. I hope this catches on. I want it to be a new sport. Speed Transacting! So far, my best time is somewhere around forty seconds. I hope everyone tries this. I want it to be in the next Olympics.

I'm a Neglectful Blogger

2006-05-24T22:14:00.000-05:00

My blogging has gotten particularly sporadic over the past couple of weeks. Yes, I don't like to admit it, but it's true: I've been neglecting my solemn duty as a blogger to complain impotently about anything and everything that happens to cross my mind that I don't actually know enough about to seriously say what's wrong with it, anyway. And for that, I apologize. The weight of my shame presses down on my shoulders like a great, heavy thing made of ... Well, shame, but that's a terrible analogy.

But the blame falls not on my shoulders. No, honestly! Never. I'm much too adept at passing off blame to settle for such simplicity. The guilty party in this is my recent acquisition of a Microsoft Xbox ... Which isn't really a party, so, again, bad analogy ... Except it's not really an analogy, either. I blame my English teacher.

Anyway, that glitchy excuse for a gaming console was far too infuriating a way to try to enjoy Jade Empire. So, I eventually traded it in to EBGames for an Xbox that actually, y'know, works.

Of course, my game of Jade Empire was saved on the glitchy system's hard drive, so getting a new system meant I had to start all over after having already made my way through over half of the game. And, so, that inspired me to really crack down, buckle up, weigh the things that are really important in my life, and waste a shitload of time playing a video game.

So, for that I'm ... Not actually really very sorry. I happen to like playing video games. Fuck you. In fact, I've still got to play through Jade Empire, again, and play on the bad side. Don't be surprised if I don't crawl out of my hole for a while.

DVD's I'm Not Proud to Have in my Collection

2006-05-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

I have a reasonably sizable collection of DVD's. Like my tastes, they cover a wide range of genres. Action movies, comedies, slasher flicks, foreign films, science fiction, fantasy, drama, cartoons. For the most part, they're movies I like (that generally being the reason that I bought them, of course). However, a few stinkers have managed to slink their way into my home over the years for various reasons. So, here they are. The DVD's I don't like to admit to owning. I'm going to attempt to be as thorough as I can.

Ernest Goes to Camp - Okay, this was in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. I hadn't actually seen any of the Ernest movies in years and kind of suspected that they weren't all that good, but I did have reasonably fond memories of watching them as a kid, so I was kind of curious to see if it would actually hold up, now. And it was only like five bucks, so it wasn't that big of a loss.

Friday - This was probably one of the first, say, ten or so DVD's that I bought after getting my DVD player. I remember watching this in high school and thinking it very funny. I was a bit disappointed after actually viewing it again to find that it wasn't. I do, however, believe it probably has the notable honor of being the only "ghetto comedy" in my DVD collection.

The Tommyknockers - I can't be blamed for this one. It was a gift. This is one of the Stephen King made-for-TV miniseries. Not even one of the better ones.

Never Say Never Again - The worst Bond film ever? Possibly. The worst Sean Connery Bond film? Yes. I own most of the Bond films on video. I have a few of them on DVD. Some, of course, are better than others. Never Say Never Again is sort of an unofficial Bond film seeing as how it was produced by a completely different company than the others. I believe the story is that Kevin McClory was a writer on Thunderball. As such, Kevin McClory decided that he had helped to create the Bond character and, therefore, had the right to write more Bond scripts. The courts, I believe, said no he didn't but he could go ahead and write Thunderball again if he really wanted to. So, he did. Unfortunately, it sucked. But, being a bit of a completist, I bought it, anyway.

Meet the Feebles - I actually have some mixed feelings about this. My first introduction to the work of Peter Jackson (though I didn't know it at the time) was with Dead Alive, which is the slightly edited American version of Braindead. I didn't actually know the name Peter Jackson until I heard it in reference to the (then upcoming) LOTR films. Upon rewatching Dead Alive later on, I happened to catch his name in the credits and was slightly surprised to realize that the man behind this completely over-the-top gore-fest was scheduled to bring us movies based on Tolkien's classic books. Anyway, the man's name stuck in my head and I ended up buying a few of his movies. Meet the Feebles, one of his earlier films, is essentially a parody of The Muppets, except the Feebles conduct drug deals, make pornographic movies, and contract VDs when they aren't busy entertaining the audience. I say I have mixed feelings, because some of what's in the movie is pretty funny. Some of it, unfortunately, isn't. And, even though it's only 97 minutes, it seems to drag on for way too long.

Darkman II: The Return of Durant - Sam Raimi's Darkman is the ultimate superhero movie. It positively rules. Darkman II doesn't. I wanted to own Darkman, but wasn't so happy with the price I was seeing the barebones, movie-only DVD being sold at. Then, one day, I found a store selling Darkman and Darkman II together for approximately the same price. That seemed okay.

The Mummy - This was another gift. It's not bad, exactly. Just not very memorable. The first time I saw The Mummy was at college. They were showing the new Mummy together with the original Mummy at the student activity center. I'd never actually seen the original Mummy, before, but was a bit surprised to see that it was in color and didn't have Boris Karloff in it. Turns out there was another remake sometime in the sixties or something and this was the version that the organizers of the event were referring to as the "original." Watching the new movie was a little annoying because, in addition to the fact that it wasn't all that good, there was some girl in the audience who kept screaming (loudly) at every little "scare" in the movie, no matter how unscary said "scares" might be. If the event in question had been a bit bigger, I might have surmised that the girl in question had been hired by the filmmakers in an attempt to convince everyone that the movie was good. As it is, I can only assume that she has lousy taste in movies.

Mr. Deeds - Possibly the least prized possession in my entire collection. Adam Sandler has received a deal of criticism over it, but I actually seem to recall enjoying The Waterboy when it was originally released. I haven't seen it in a few years and kind of expect it wouldn't hold up as well as I remember, but I did think it was a decent movie at the time. However, after seeing Big Daddy and Little Nicky, I lost all faith in Adam Sandler and had no desire to ever see another one of his movies. Then, someone gave me Mr. Deeds for Christmas. Fullscreen version.

Cannibal! The Musical - Trey Parker and Matt Stone made this movie in college, long before they became famous for South Park. There's actually some very funny stuff in Cannibal, but their complete lack of filmmaking experience really shows. This one, I bought just because I was curious to see what Parker and Stone had done before South Park.

Highlander: 10^th Anniversary Director's Cut - Don't get me wrong. Highlander kicks ass. I bring this up just because the DVD presentation is so terrible. I think this particular version of Highlander was at one time widely regarded to be the worst DVD ever. I wasn't expecting to be blown away when I saw the DVD in stores for under ten dollars, but it seemed to have a decent list of extras and the transfer was THX certified, so I figured it couldn't be that bad. It was. If you wish to retain any respect for that THX logo, it's probably best not to see it attached to the single grainiest, most pixellated print I've ever seen. As for those extras, they're all (aside from the commentary track) lumped together under the photos option in the main menu. After clicking this option, there's a second or two of blackness. Then, pages of text flash across the screen fast enough to cause seizures in any unfortunately photosensitive people in the room. If you want to read them, you must push the pause button, then use the step button (assuming your DVD player has one) to go through the pages frame-by-frame. If you go through the trouble of doing this, you'll find what's probably hundreds of pages (I didn't actually count them) of documents from the production of the movie. Some of it's actually sort of interesting if you want to take the time to read all of them. I'm not fond of reading book-length things on my TV screen, though, so I read some of them and skipped the rest. At the end of all of it, there are some production photos. Luckily, Anchor Bay released an improved "Immortal Edition" a few years later.

Independence Day - I think I was in high school when this movie originally came out. It was mega-popular at the time. I don't find it as awesome as I once did, but the DVD release was stacked with extras. I didn't immediately rush out to buy it, but I kind of thought that it was maybe a possibility for a future purchase. I probably wouldn't have ever gotten it, but it was on sale and I thought if I was ever going to buy it, I should probably go ahead and do so while it was cheap. So, I own the movie that showed the world that the aliens' computers are windows-compatible. Damn. I knew Bill Gates was all-powerful, but I'd always hoped that his reign would at least end with this solar system.

Heavy Metal & Heavy Metal 2000 - Heavy Metal had some bits that I liked (enough to buy the DVD, apparently), but overall doesn't feel that spectacular. Heavy Metal 2000 I bought mainly out of curiosity. It views like a list of big-breasted tough girl who takes her clothes off to show her big breasts in a science fiction movie with big breasts cliches.

Q: The Winged Serpent - Okay, there's sort of a goofy story, here ... See, I found this movie by a guy named Larry Cohen and suddenly I found myself recalling Nirvana lyrics. More specifically a line from "Pennyroyal Tea" that goes "give me a Larry Cohen afterworld." I was curious. Later, I realized that the lyric in question was actually "give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld." I still don't really know much about Leonard Cohen - he's a singer, I think - but if I'm not mistaken, I believe Larry Cohen wrote some of those Stephen King miniseries. Actually, the back of the Tommyknockers box informs me that the guy's name is Lawrence D. Cohen. They might not actually be the same person, but I don't care to look it up to make sure.

*Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask - I've only ever seen a couple of Woody Allen movies. After renting a couple of them, I didn't quite see what the big deal was. I thought maybe I just wasn't watching the right movies. I bought this one to see what I was missing. I still don't know.

Jabberwocky - Yeah, okay, I know. But it's Terry Gilliam, so I bought it, anyway.

The Gods Must be Crazy I & II - Well, I kind of like these. Showing the insanity of the civilized world through the eyes of the uncivilized just plain appeals to me. I list these movies here because the use of fast motion during the slapstick scenes just plain annoys me. There's a tribute on one of the discs in which someone praises the director's "ability to manipulate time." I guess that's a fancy way of saying he liked to speed up the film.

Nice Tablecloth

2006-05-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

I ate at a restaurant this weekend that I had never been to before. "The Macaroni Grill," read the sign. I like macaroni. They didn't have any.

...

... fucking ...

Macaroni, aside, it was essentially Italian food, which was okay, I guess. I'm a pretty picky eater, so if the menu strays too far from hamburgers or chicken strips, I never know what to do with it.

It was kind of an odd place, though. The tablecloths were made of paper. Just like the crap you sit on at the doctor's office.

Then, the waiter - Preston, his name was - showed up and asked if any of us were new to The Macaroni Grill. Since the whole lot of us were, indeed, Macaroni virgins, he gave us all an explanation of the restaurant. Firstly, he drew our attention to a faint, smoky, heart-shaped outline on the brickwork of the dining area. There were four such outlines hidden throughout the dining area, he told us, and customers are encouraged to try to find them all. He then drew our attention to the paper tablecloth, which he then proceeded to draw on, writing his name in large, curly letters. Everyone is supplied with crayons to decorate their own eating area. You can draw whatever you want, you're just asked to cover up dirty pictures with your plate or something.

Interesting dining experience.

On a side note, while we were there, my sister noticed a guy - customer, not staff - who had the country of Italy tattooed to his flesh, leading her to theorize that he must be very passionate about Italian food. I further postulated that he probably goes around to Chinese restaurants showing off his tat just to taunt them.

Bargain Hunter

2006-05-11T20:17:00.000-05:00

My parents have always been big supporters of the yard sale/flea market circuit. They like to get stuff cheap; hey, who doesn't? When I was younger, of course, I'd always get dragged around with them. Thus it was that I got a decent education in classic Atari 2600 gaming after the gaming industry had already collapsed and then been unexpectedly resurrected at the hands of Nintendo. People used to sell Atari games for hella cheap.

Now that I'm an adult (childish, perhaps, but technically an adult) and able to make my own shopping trips, I don't really do the yard sale thing, anymore. It's a lot of work going from yards full of nothing but old potholders and used baby clothes before you find anything you actually want. It's much easier just to go to the store and buy it. Plus, I always feel kind of guilty leaving someone's yard sale without buying anything. Stores are much more impersonal. I don't give a crap what the clerks think of me in there.

Not to mention the unspoken agreement between sellers and sellees that everything must begin and end as early in the morning as possible. This probably stems from the fact that everyone wants to "get there first" so they don't "miss all the good deals." If they could only agree to shift everything forward a few hours, I think it would be easier on everyone. Particularly those of us who, you know, sleep in the mornings.

Also, I find I'm developing a sort of a love-hate thing with the whole idea of getting a bargain - be it at a flea market or you local Wal-Mart. We all have things we want and things we need, which are both limited by things we can actually afford. Naturally, we must attempt to find some sort of balance. But when EBGames lets you buy three games and get one free, it's hard to turn down. I mean, free video games, man! So, my feeling is that deals and bargains actually cause me to spend more money rather than less. It's a vicious trick of the marketing industry.

But, I rode with my parents, this weekend, when I went to Columbia for my sister's marriage, and they stopped at some yard sales along the way. It was actually still pretty close to home that I found an Xbox for $5. That's very little money, I didn't have one, and there are a handful of Xbox games I thought I'd like the chance to play. Naturally, for $5, there was a catch. The lady basically said sometimes it works and sometimes it don't. Still, for the price, I figured it was worth checking out. But because she didn't seem entirely sure of the working condition, she basically let me have it for free.

So, I got a free Xbox. Without the help of internet ads where you shoot ducks and punch out George Bush.

But, alas, it is a bit wonky. I get a lot disc read errors on it, though it doesn't actually refer to them as such. Sony must have the phrase trademarked or something. Once I've turned the system on and off a few times and run a CD lens cleaner through it, it might start the game. And if it starts, I might actually get to play awhile. But, that is a lot of "mights" to go through to try to play Jade Empire.

I'm like 15 hours into the damn fucker, though, and I want to save my friggin' Chinese Kung Fu Master!

My Poor, Poor Bowels

2006-05-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

My sister's wedding this weekend went smoothly; twas a fine, beautiful, splendid affair, plus whatever nice adjectives generally go along with this sort of thing and minus the less faithful connotations of the word affair. The days following have been a bit bumpy. Not for the bride and groom, I mean. No, they seem happy enough. They're having so much fun on their honeymoon in Florida that they've decided to stay an extra day. Not just fucking, either - though I'd expect a bit of that to happen, as well. They've already been to Sea World twice. My sis likes her animals. She works in a veterinary clinic, so she knows them inside and out quite literally.

No, the bumpiness has been at the expense of your esteemed blogger. After the wedding, my dad came down with a nasty case of diarrhea; which was catching, I guess, because I clearly caught it. This has not been a particularly fun strain of diarrhea, if there ever has been such a thing. I don't care how soft the advertisements say their toilet paper is, eventually your ass is going to be chafed worse than Tim Robbins' in Shawshank Redemption. And, if the fact of frequent liquid shits isn't unpleasant enough, combine that with a good interspersion of occasional vomiting. At the same time. I know no one wants to picture me on the toilet with my pants around my ankles and my arms around a wastebasket spewing bile from both ends, but there ya' go. What's still worse, though, is when you don't have the time to make those semi-elaborate preparations and you're forced to choose one way or the other: Do you sit down and vomit all over the damned bathroom or do you kneel before the bowl and shit your pants.

That's not an easy decision.

Clearly, projectile vomiting has the potential to blanket much of the room, making a mess of the floor, your clothes, and anything else that happens to get in the way. Shitting you pants, on the other hand, is really embarrassing. The damage is more localized, for sure. You just need a new pair of trousers. But people are more understanding when you throw up. They know what it's like. It can come on suddenly. You can't control it. And, you can't always make it to the john in a timely fashion. However these people - no matter how open-minded - all live their lives by a very simple rule, one of the very earliest rules they were taught as a child: You're not. Supposed. To shit. Your pants.

I was in a tough spot. I had a choice to make. I'm not proud of myself. Needless to say, afterwards I had a damn shower and new pants. Sweat pants. They pull down quicker.

One upside to this is that it gave me two days off work. Sometimes, though, it's just not worth it.

Also, I realize that my hundredth blog entry is now all about shit pouring out of my asshole. Strangely symbolic, don't ya' think?

My Sis is Gettin' Hitched!

2006-05-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, my sister is taking the matrimonial plunge. She's getting married at the zoo. Well, okay, the Botanical Gardens, to be exact, which is part of the zoo, but not the part with the animals. I'm sure she would have held the wedding amongst the critters, though, if they'd allow it.

Anyway, the main point of this is that I ain't gonna be here this weekend to entertain anybody. Since I tend not to keep any real sort of day-to-day schedule or anything, I'm sure my absence would have seemed like any other less monogamous absence. But, I did have a couple of things I wanted to write for the blog, but haven't managed over the past week, what with one thing and another. I'm trying to go ahead and get them up while I'm still here. This is my third entry of the night, and I could have sworn I had another on my mind. I can't seem to think of it at the moment. If it does come back to mind, though, I'll try to throw it up here, tonight (it'll actually be post 100, if I manage it). If not, I'll be back whenever I'm back, which is pretty much the way it usually works.

Celebrating Meaningless Milestones

2006-05-05T19:49:00.000-05:00

Welcome to ENTRY #98 of Arthbard's blog, Ringing the Otter!

Why celebrate the 98^th post, you ask? Well, why not? What's so special about hundreds, huh? Why only celebrate them, right? What, just because they end in zeroes? Because a fluke of evolution just happened to give humans ten fingers? Well, that's not good enough for me. If nature had given us 98 fingers, instead, this would make perfect sense. This is my blog, and I refuse to show ten-finger biases.

Besides, I'm too impatient to wait for post 100.

I think I'm supposed to do a retrospective-type thing or something. So, what have I accomplished over the last 98 entries? Not much, really. Just wasted a lot of time, mostly. Back in January, I wrote a very, first entry, because, well, you've kind of got to. It's pretty hard to start a blog with post number two. Not many people can do it, and I wasn't up to the challenge.

Since then, I've cut my own hair, tinkered with my template, started a recurring feature where I take headlines all out of context, hated the Super Bowl, written serious discussions of theology and religious miracles, and even drawn my own Muhammad cartoon.

That's not the end of Ringing the Otter, though. No, far from it! I plan to be around for 98 more posts. So, stay tuned, Otter-Fans! The best is yet to come!

Unless, it all goes downhill after this, which is a distinct possibility.

But retrospective post #196 is still gonna kick major ass.

A Case History of Stupid DVD Cases

2006-05-05T18:20:00.000-05:00

Not so terribly long ago, in a galaxy so similar to ours that it was, in all probability, actually the same one, times were good. The Warner Bros. DVD department - after nonsensically refusing to change for a stupidly long time - had finally relented and gotten rid of those stupid, fucking snapper cases everyone hated so much.

The world celebrated.

M e a n w h i l e . . .

... in the offices of a prominent manufacturer of DVD cases ...

Evil Corporate Guy: The Snapper has been decimated.

Slightly Less Evil But Not By Much Corporate Guy: Yes. The consumers have spoken out against annoying, bad products. When they purchase their personal copies of Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, they clearly want it to be held in a higher quality container.

ECG: This is a great setback to our plans.

SLEBNBMCG: You know ... I hate to sound like a Negative Nancy, and all, but I was never really clear on what we were hoping to accomplish with that.

ECG: Doesn't matter. The point is that the world is in dire need of a new, annoying case design.

SLEBNBMCG: Well, I ... Guess ...

ECG: I already have a prototype working. I call it ... The Latcher!

Previously Unseen Sound Effects Guy: Thunderclaps and ominous music!

SLEBNBMCG: Yeah ... I'm just not really sure if we need that, right now ...

ECG: Just imagine it! It will be just like a regular DVD case, in every way. The functionality will be perfectly replicated, and it will be completely indistinguishable to the eyes of a prospective customer. But! It will also have LATCHES!

SLEBNBMCG: So, the latches hold the case closed?

ECG: No! The case will snap firmly closed just like any other, but it will have latches, anyway!

SLEBNBMCG: So, what do these latches do, then?

ECG: Nothing! But they'll be there, anyway! Just think! Cases with two vestigial latches serving no discernible purpose that anyone can see, but they'll have to clasp and unclasp them every time they watch a movie, anyway! And imagine how easy it will be to forget and the time people will waste trying to force the case open, not realizing those latches are there holding it inexplicably closed.

SLEBNBMCG: Truly diabolical, but won't consumers be unhappy?

ECG: Of course, but who cares?! We control production. If they want to buy a copy of their favorite film, they'll have to get them! They won't have any choice!

SLEBNBMCG: Of course. It's all starting to make sense, now.

ECG: BWA-HA-HA!

SLEBNBMCG: Hmm ...? Oh, yes, sorry. Ha, ha. Good one, Steve.

Don't ya' wanna ride it?

2006-05-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

My stereo can hold fifty CD's at once. That seemed like a lot at the time of purchase, but a few years later, I find that every time I buy a new CD I have to agonize over what to take out to make room. But still, fifty is a lot to keep up with if you only have a number or some such to identify them, which is why the player kindly allows you to input a title for each album. Unfortunately, you are limited in the number of characters that will fit in a single entry. So, of course, I always have to truncate everything (Soundgarden's "Superunknown," for example goes by "SUPRUNKNOWN" at my house). Hence, when I purchased Rob Zombie's new CD, "Educated Horses," not too awful long ago, I ended up with the following:

EDUCATEDHOR

Very Nice.
I honestly couldn't think of a nicer way to abbreviate.

You Can Get Around Web Filters?

2006-04-27T23:16:00.000-05:00

There's an article up on CNET about kids getting around web filters. Yeah, I know, big shock, right? Well, logging into my hotmail account, I see a link to it in the sidebar. But accompanying the link is a picture of a kid who appears to be about four years old. Now, I have no doubt that kids are finding ways around filtering software, but somehow I find it hard to believe that this damn toddler is one of them.

The Gaming World Just Exclaimed a Collective "What the Fuck?"

2006-04-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

Nintendo has just announced the new name for their new video game console, formerly codenamed Revolution. I'm sure word of this is spreading quickly, so if you're a gamer, chances are you've heard of it by now, but if not, you might want to brace yourself. It's a doozy: The Nintendo Wii.

I'm almost positive this is the strangest name for a video game machine, ever, and probably the least cool (and you thought asking the clerk at the store for a Gamecube made you sound totally unbadass). As the name is pronounced "we," which is exactly the same as "wee," the urine jokes are already flowing like, well, urine jokes. Bodily functions are so entertaining that people will jump at any opportunity, whatsoever, to reference them in a comedic fashion.

Clearly, the name is kind of dorky, but I don't know that that will necessarily hurt the console. I think its success still rests on whether or not game companies can actually come up with good ways to make use of the system's unique hardware. But, people are going to be talking about the name for a good while, right? Instant free publicity. Just when I'd been pondering the possibility that Snakes on a Plane might start a goofy title fad. I just didn't realize a video game console was going to join in the fun.

It's still kind of dorky, though.

A Brash Prediction a.k.a Fuck Tom Cruise

2006-04-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

It occurs to me that M:I III or MI: III or MI 3 or whatever the fucking grammar is on it is about to come out in, like, not very long. There's some hope on the part of Hollywood* that this will be the long-fabled film to break the industry out of it's ongoing box office slump. It's got everything, after all. A well-known title associated with a well-remembered TV show and two fairly successful prequels - it's a remake and a sequel all rolled into one! It's got Tom Cruise, an extremely well-known actor, who's been in the news a lot recently, to boot. It's got all of the advertising and hoopla and hype that money can buy. What could possibly go wrong, right? Well, I'm going to make a prediction, here: Mission: Impossible III's gonna bomb.

Let's face it, now, if even Peter Jackson's stunningly epic rehash of King Kong can't make people want to sit in a crowded room with a sticky floor and a woman with a crying baby and a cell phone, what chance has a flick with four consecutive I's in the title got? I bring up Kong because it carried these same kinds of hopes, and several predictions that it would even outgross Titanic, when anyone believing that kind of once-in-a-generation success could be predicted through market analysis would clearly have to be a complete moron. Apparently, there are a lot of those in the movie business. Many flocked to see Kong, of course, but they weren't quite many enough in proportion to the film's extravagant costs.

In business-sense, M:I III is the safe bet. As I iterated earlier, it's got everything a blockbuster is supposed to have. But ask yourself this: How much do I actually remember about Mission: Impossibles I and II? If you're like me, the answer is: not much. Both were mildly successful, but not really all that memorable. The first was an okay movie with a convoluted plot. The second was a so-so movie with John Woo-directed action sequences. Both carried a certain amount of entertainment value in their own ways, but not enough to get me excited over the prospect of yet another one. Plus, Tom Cruise, you know, has been in the news a lot, recently. Too much. A year ago, my position on Tom Cruise was one of mild disinterest, now what with Katie Holmes and Scientology and South Park and a very conveniently-timed birth, I'm completely sick and tired of hearing about the thetan-loving motherfucker.

I can't be the only one.

Right now, my only real interest in Mission: Impossible is seeing how this little theory of mine plays out.

So, will anything resuscitate ticket sales? That's hard to say. Movies and other entertainment industries now have an additional competitor for our time in the internet. And, whereas other entertainment industries are getting old and stodgy and stuck in their ways, this new competitor is young and vibrant and willing to experiment with all sorts of crazy possibilities. Also, DVD's give us a far more convenient way to watch films. But, who knows? Maybe Snakes on a Plane will break the cycle. Though, I rather fear SOAP is just going to turn out to be another generic thriller but with a semi-novel concept and an awesomely goofy title, sheer word of mouth has got the internet fascinated with the monicker. Word of mouth, even if it is just about the damn name, can go a long way. Longer, maybe, than all of the million-dollar ad campaigns the studios can dish out behind sure-thing, safe-bet Tom Cruise movies.

Well, we'll see. If Snakes on a Plane does, indeed, turn out to suck complete ass, I thoroughly doubt the word or mouth will hold it up past the first weekend or two, but I'll admit ... I want to see it. However, I fear that if it is successful, Hollywood will think they can make money by giving all of their movies quirky names. Mission: Impossible IV might end up being called That Dude Who Solves Mysteries.

*The town, itself, became an actual living entity, some time ago. If this whole movie thing doesn't work out, it has plans to move east and try its hand at emu farming.

Real Life Adventures: Exciting Adventures in Adventurous Excitement!

2006-04-25T20:02:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before in various places that I work for the local newspaper. As such, part of my duties involves designing ads for local businesses. Mostly, these are comprised of clip art pulled from an industry periodical (to use a pretentious term that makes me sound like a professional) and any pictures or artwork those paying for the ads supply us with. I don't actually create a lot of original artwork myself - partly because (as you can probably tell by glancing at my logo at the top of the page) my own artistic skills are not without their limits, but mostly because I just don't have the damn time to draw a whole fucking advertisement for every single person who comes in - though I do often alter some of the existing artwork via Photoshop to get the fucking shit to actually look the way I want it to.

If that last sentence was to complex, try reading it without that middle section between the dashes (by the time you finish that part, you'll likely have forgotten what the sentence was supposed to be about in the first place).

Anyway, y'know, I try to do a good job and all. My feelings about advertising lean towards the negative in a mildly ironic fashion, but I do what I can to make everybody happy with their 2 col. X 5" brainwashing space.

Some people can be pretty picky about their ads, though. We've got one woman in particular who runs an ad every week for a real estate company. Normally, when ads run repeatedly, they're, like, the same ad. Sometimes, we may be asked to change the text after a couple of weeks or do a complete redesign after a few months or something, but the real estate woman must have a new ad every week. But she's very specific about the ad. The text must be a certain font at a certain size, the logo must be so big, yada, yada, and all that. So basically, apart from rearranging the order of the real estate listings (which she also has us do, as if anyone's going to care what order they're in) the only thing that can really change is the border.

Chances are good you've never glanced through our little clip art magazines, but let me tell you, there ain't a lot of real estate borders in there. So, I generally have to go with something a little less specific, which is also a problem, because most of the artwork in these books is created with a certain type of business or a certain type of event or a certain type of promotion or season or holiday in mind. The hardest thing to find is a nice generic border that can go with anything. And because of this ad, I basically have to find a new one every week using mostly only the same books I've been staring at for the past couple of years that I've worked here. And, to complicate matters further, the limited space left by her specific font and the fact that she won't pay an extra buck or two to go up an ad size limits my choices to only those borders that are very small. And, every now and then, she's not satisfied, and I have to redo it. Sometimes, I have to find a whole new border for the fucker, but other times she might just want to make changes to the text.

My favorite happened about a week ago. The address in the ad was listed as "862 N. Olivier Drive."* Her correction was, "You don't need . after N" ... The N, of course, is an abbreviation for north. N without the period may be the technically proper way to do it, but I've seen it both ways and, anyway, seriously, who gives a fuck? You've got to be pretty fucking picky for the period after the N to be a complaint. Besides, it's been running like that for as long as I know of. I've not a clue what caused her to suddenly decide it mattered.

My all-time favorite thing ever happened today, though. This concerns a different ad by a different advertiser; a photographer to be exact. I put the ad together, yesterday. It featured a picture of the photographer, which is okay I guess, but I'm not sure why he chose that particular picture, as in it the expression on his face appeared exceedingly grumpy.

Now, today is Tuesday. It's our deadline day. I don't mean that as in the deadline to get stuff into our paper, I mean it as in the day we're rushing to finish the paper in time for our deadline at the printer's tomorrow morning. As luck would have it, I was finishing up in good time - working late on Tuesdays is far from uncommon. In fact, I was almost ready to head for home when this photographer walked in at about a quarter till five. He wanted to change the picture on his ad. Which is annoying, okay, but no biggie, I'll change his ad for him. So, he walked back out to his car and came back with his picture, and, now this is the kicker ... It was the same damn picture.

It wasn't a mistake. We checked. The picture was one of a photoshoot of several, and he definitely wanted this particular one to run, even when shown the ad with the identical picture on it.

Looking at the pictures, I ultimately realized that, in the first one, his head had been turned very, very s l i g h t l y to one side. The difference was only noticeable with the photos side-by-side, and even then I had to look for it. He still looked like a grumpy motherfucker.

But, of course, I did it. It was quitting time and the deadline for ads was far passed, but I changed the man's ad for him. I replaced his photo with what for all practical intents and purposes was the same photo. But I gotta admit. I felt kinda silly.

*All addresses have been changed to protect the innocent and because I don't actually remember it, anyway.

More Pictures of me Looking Badass with the Bunny

2006-04-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

I was going to do this earlier, but I'm doing it now, so I didn't have to. Anyway, I took a couple of extra photos for The Bunny post, and I thought I'd share some of them.

If you require larger images of me looking like a jackass, please click.

People are Stupid

2006-04-20T19:31:00.000-05:00

Some guy pretending to be a doctor went door to door offering women free breast exams. Apparently, a couple of people actually fell for it.

"One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said."

Seriously, would you trust this guy?

There must be a safer place to store that.

2006-04-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

A woman visiting an El Salvador prison was caught trying to smuggle a grenade and some marijuana inside her vagina.

Tip #1 when carrying grenades in your feminine regions: Make damn sure that pin's on good and tight. Tip #2: Walk C A R E F U L L Y ... No sudden movements. No jumping. Stopping off at the arcade for a couple of rounds of DDR is right out. Tip #3: You probably won't need to be reminded that it's there, but just in case, for FUCK'S SAKE make sure you take it out before you fuck!

My favorite part about this story, though, is that the grenade was being smuggled along with a vagina-load of pot. As if that's a good combination. Hey everybody! Let's get high and blow shit up! That's like drinking and driving ... straight at a cliff and trying to hit the brakes at the last second. No, it's like drinking and putting a gun to your head and trying to pull the trigger just far enough that you don't quite shoot yourself. Actually, it's like that, only instead of just putting a gun to your head, you have to imagine it where you put the gun to your head and the heads of everyone in the general vicinity all at once. Who knows, maybe it was a plot to get rid of her criminal boyfriend. And his hoodlum friends.

Out of Context Headlines: Episode VIII

2006-04-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

Hawaii May Honor Humuhumunukunukuapuaa - This is just a Python bit waiting to happen.

Judge Imposes Gag Order in Girl's Slaying - Says Judge, "I hereby sentence you to shut that bitch up. There's no reason we can't all murder like civilized adults, here."

Car workers consider their future - In other news, Detroit suicide rates continue to rise.

BBC man 'was unlawfully killed' - As opposed to being lawfully murdered. There are very strict protocols to follow with these things.

UN torture panel presses US on detainees - Threatens to poke US with rusty tacks if they don't fess up. There might also be a comfy chair somewhere in the future. They aren't saying.

Many Arabs favor nuclear Iran - We are a peace-loving people. This is why we desperately need the means to kill everyone.

Bush picks Portman for budget - "She was awesome in them Star Wars movies," declares Bush. "I feel confident she can find a way to make my war not be costing the nation billions of dollars. Like cutting education, maybe. All education. Them smarty-pants don't like me ..."

Katie Holmes gives birth to Tom Cruise's baby - Really? Well, let me be the first to say ... I don't really give a fuck. Fuck the lot of 'em.

Experts ponder a future of new sex gizmos, robots - A future conversation sucked through a time warp follows: "Customer service, may I help you?" "Yeah ... I'm having some trouble with my sex-bot. The bitch won't, y'know, cooperate." "Well, sir, maybe you should check the settings. Nine times out of ten that'll solve the problem." "Hmm, well let's see here ... Oh, here's the trouble. Her standards are set to high! Oh, boy! What was I thinking!?"

Robot Birth Simulator Gaining Popularity - I wonder if this has anything to do with the last headline ...

Sex expert says German cannibal had no urge to kill - He merely wanted to make love repeatedly to the victim's heart with serrated steak knife. And then eat it.

Chernobyl death toll underestimated, says Greenpeace - "The initial estimates were reported by organizations with a vested interest in the results," says organization with vested interest in the results.

The Bunny

2006-04-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it. I play the claw machine. I always check them out when I go anywhere just to see if there's anything that looks like it's apt to drop down the prize chute. If so, I'll plunk in a few quarters, then a few more, and possibly a few more, and then I still usually don't win. Nevertheless, I have, over time, managed to accrue a nice little selection of plush creatures that I don't really know what to do with, anyway.

No, I'm not addicted. I can quit anytime I fucking want. Get off my back, man.

My most recent acquisition was this adorable bunny, here. Awww, right? He's so cute and cuddly. I won him at Wal-Mart one day.

Anyway, I was walking back through the parking lot carrying the sweet little sucker in my hands since I didn't have a bag to put him in, what with not actually having bought anything and all. And, as I was walking, it kind of occurred to me that, here I am, a big ol' hairy guy walking around with a pastel-colored stuffed bunny rabbit. Not only that, but there happened to be a couple of other guys - far less dorky than myself - strolling along not too far in front of me. And, so, I start thinking, you know, what happens if they turn around?

The last thing I needed was a run-in with a couple of pseudo-tough guys.

Then, I relaxed a little, though, thinking to myself, I'm okay. At least the bunny will make me look badass.

Okay, I've got a theory on this, so listen a minute, okay? I, myself, despite being big and hairy, am not really a very tough guy. In fact, I'm kind of a nerd. So, this is how I see it: If I - a nerd - were to stand next to a really tough, badass guy, then I would look like even more of a dork in comparison. Observe:

Conversely, if I were to stand next to, say, the bunny, then I would look totally bitchin'. Because, think about it, I'm standing with the bunny and you think, well, who looks more badass, me or the bunny. And, though I don't like to brag, I feel pretty confident you'd have to go with me on that one. Therefore, again in comparison, I would look like an awesome badass motherfucker, right? Check it out:

*This slightly photoshopped pic comes courtesy of some chick called Lorri37 on Flickr who was kind enough to put it in the creative commons. You can, you know, see it in its original context and all that.

The Stars Predict ... Gullible People.

2006-04-13T00:12:00.000-05:00

I like reading my horoscope. It tells me I'm going to start a serious romantic relationship at least once a week. It's very encouraging.

When it doesn't happen, I can only assume the fault is mine for failing to bend to the gravitational pulls of the planets.

That's no knoif ... This is a knoif.

2006-04-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

This is my Swiss Army Knife. Technically, I suppose it's probably a third-rate knockoff Swiss Army Knife. I doubt if it's actually the official product. It doesn't even have the Swiss Army insignia on the side. I think my mom got it for me a yard sale many, many years ago or something. I don't really remember.

Still, it is a knife. It can be useful. It has a blade. I use it to cut things. Mostly, though, just cardboard boxes containing items I ordered off the internet. I'm not really the outdoorsy type.

It also has a keychain.

There's much more to a Swiss Army Knockoff, though. So much more. Case in point:

The Blade ...

As the heading implies, this is just a standard knife blade. You get one on every knife whether it's used by the Swiss Army or not. Otherwise, you'd best complain to the knife store about how they fucking ripped you off, man.

Still, this is easily the most useful extension of the bunch. You can cut things with it ... Like, um, twigs and shit. You can stab ... Animals, I suppose. Or people, though that tends to be frowned upon. Or you can spread peanut butter on your sandwich. Yum, yum.

The Saw ...

So you can cut ... Other things. Though, it's probably not much use at cutting down trees ... So, I guess, twigs and shit. Which you can also do with the knife blade.

But the saw's serrated, in case you want to fuck somebody up real bad.

The Other Saw ...

Is ... Just another saw. In case you need two, I guess.

Except this one's not sharp, so it's not even any good at cutting twigs. I don't know. It's the saw you give to young children who want to play with saws but who you don't want to hurt themselves. Except the easy availability of other, actually sharp, cutting mechanisms on the knife don't make it very good for that, either.

I don't know ... Maybe it's just a finger massager.

The Scissors ...

For the serious survivalist who finds himself lost in the woods in dire need of a haircut. I can't imagine these tiny blades would be very good for cutting much hair, though. I suppose you could cut paper with them - you know, your coupons and stuff - but they still seem small and not particularly practical.

Plus, I don't know what survivalists would be doing with a book of coupons in the middle of the woods, anyway.

The Corkscrew ...

Possibly one of the more iconic Swiss Army extensions. You can use it to open champagne bottles, which could be very useful at a fancy dress party, where the presence of a dangerous weapon would likely be frowned upon, so I don't really know what you'd need one on your knife for. To get back to our survivalists in the woods, I can't imagine they'd be carrying around bottles of fine wines in their backpacks. Ultimately, I don't really know what you'd need this for.

My advice: If you want to drink booze, just pay the damn 99¢ for the fucking corkscrew.

The Can Opener ...

Finally, an item that might actually be useful in a situation where you'd need to have a knife. It could definitely come in handy on a camping trip, though the serious survivalist might wish to forego the modern conveniences of canned goods in favor of killing the animals, themselves. I mean, heck, they've already got a knife and all.

The Bottle Opener ...

Same idea, but for bottles.

It was wisely positioned precisely in the spot where the keychain would get in the way.

Okay, you can fold the keychain off to the side, but it would still be an encumbrance if you were to, you know, have keys dangling off of it.

Come to think of it, that could tend to be a problem when using the knife for self-defense, as well. The extra weight would throw off your aim, the constant jingling would give your position, and just plain having them flap around all over the place would be hella annoying.

If you're good, though, you might use them to block a swipe or two.

The Nail File ...

What the fuck ...? So, you're out in the middle of the woods, and you're worried about your damn manicure? Get the fuck out of here!

This is, seriously, like overkill. Just buy a damn set of nail clippers to go with your corkscrew. Quit being such a cheap-ass, cheap-ass.

The Useless Metal Thing with a Hole ...

This is honestly my favorite thing on my Swiss Army Knockoff. Just because it's so completely, totally, unabashedly pointless. What purpose does this serve. It's seriously just a piece of metal with a hole in it. You can't cut anything with it. You can't stab anything with it. You can't even file your damn nails with it. Frankly, I really don't even know what this is supposed to be for.

Just for ... Poking shit, maybe?

The Useless Metal Thing without a Hole ...

This is exactly the same thing, only now it doesn't even have the equally pointless hole in it. It still doesn't cut, it still doesn't open wine bottles, and it still doesn't take care of your fingernails. Like the last one, it serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever, but at least the hole gave the other one a little bit of personality. This is just stupid.

The Screwdriver ...

This is a standard Phillips head screwdriver. This might actually be useful if it didn't stick out of the side so awkwardly. As it is, it's a pain in the ass to screw with.

Also, as I said, it's a Phillips head. There's nothing wrong with that, necessarily. There are a lot of things that need screwing that would benefit from a Phillips head. However, anyone who's ever screwed anything knows that there are also a lot of things you really need a flathead to screw.

While, the knife does have the Phillips head, it is curiously lacking a flathead screwdriver to go along with it. I find this puzzling. It's not like it would take any great leap in thought to think, "Hey maybe we should cram a flathead in this sucker." In fact, given that the Phillips head screwdriver is already included, it should have been unmistakably obvious. How could you possibly look at one type of screwdriver without making the small mental connection to the other type. That's completely, unambiguously, stupidly stupid. Especially given that the manufacturers felt they had enough free space for not one but two totally useless pieces of metal. Why not give one of those a flathead!? Why? Because they're stupid, that's why.

My cousin pointed out to me the other day that the end of the bottle opener is vaguely flat and could conceivably double as a screwdriver, but fuck that. It's not a screwdriver. It's a fucking bottle opener. I understand that both screwdrivers and bottles of drink could aid in screwing, but I'm also led to believe that those are two very different kinds of screws. I'll take one without the other, thank you very much.

The Tweezers and The Toothpick ...

If you look closely on either side of the plastic casing, you'll notice two little holes, the contents of which I lost long ago. One of these holes housed a flimsy little plastic pair of tweezers. Much too flimsy to actually pick anything up, of course. Not actually all that useful.

More important, though, is the other hole, which housed a little, plastic toothpick. Now, let's forget for a minute that this thing you're supposed to stick in your mouth comes out of a product that - in addition to being carried around in your nasty, sweaty pocket - is used for cutting and stabbing various plants and animals, cutting your hair, filing your nails, and just plain poking yourself in the side. No, the important thing is that this toothpick is made of plastic. It's reusable. That means that after you pick shit out of your teeth, you then put it back in your nasty, sweaty pocket so that you can whip it out three days later and stick it back in your mouth. Talk about hygienic, man. I think that's how AIDS got started.

I Must be Dreaming ...

2006-04-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

The James Bond universe must be a difficult place to grow up as a young girl. Considering all of the seemingly-innocuous things that kids get made fun of, imagine being stuck with a name that ranges from mildly suggestive - a la Honey Ryder - to downright pornographic - i.e. Holly Goodhead. But, naturally, the award for the top, absolute creme de la creme, cream of the crop, and/or other filling-inspired descriptors goes to Goldfinger's discreetly-monickered Pussy Galore. Imagine the conversation her parents must have had!

Mrs. Galore: What a beautiful daughter I've just ejected from my vagina, dear husband.

Mr. Galore: Yes, my love. She is astonishingly lovely.

Mrs. Galore: What should we name her?

Mr. Galore: I don't know, my ravishing snuggly-winks, maybe ... No ... Hmm ...

Mrs. Galore: Possibly ... Hmm ...

Mr. Galore: Perhaps ...

Mrs. Galore: I've got it!

Mr. Galore: What's that, dear?

Mrs. Galore: Let's name her Pussy!

Mr. Galore: ...

Mrs. Galore: You know, after the cat!

Really, though, think about. It would be kind of like naming your son Penis Johnson. Actually, if a movie came out starring Pussy Galore and Penis Johnson, I might just go see it.

Anyway, this came about as a result of my cousin repeatedly wanting to play the so-so Goldeneye: Rogue Agent for some reason. It seems to have led to a running gag. Every now and then, for no reason whatsoever, I'll chuckle quietly to myself, then explain to no one in particular, "Her name was Pussy."

The movie came out in 1964 and, yes, 42 years later, it's still funny.

International Let's be a Bastard and Prank on People Day

2006-04-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

Ah, crap, I've got less than an hour to go if I want to do an April Fool's Day gag. Oh, damn, I got nothin' ... Oh, I know ... I've got a really good April Fool's gag, here:

APRIL FOOL!

See ... Um ... 'Cause I said I had a gag and I didn't ... Get it? Like, my April Fool's Day joke is that I don't have an April Fool's Day joke and ... Um ... Which of course would mean I did, which would mean I didn't. Recursive logic, you know. Never mind.

Anyway, I don't actually have anything to say about April Fooling at the moment. I haven't even really paid all that much attention to it. I saw Google Romance. I guess that was kind of funny.

Anyway, I ...

HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!

... Are you looking ...? Okay, then ... GOTCHA!

Sorry. That's not very good either, is it?